Is It Okay to Be Angry With God After Tragedy? A Story of Loss, Faith, and Healing

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Have you ever been angry with God?

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I know I have,

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and it is okay.

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God is big enough to handle our frustrations,

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our anger,

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and our desire to just vent to him through quote-unquote prayer.

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But what about when we get this way after a tragic event?

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How should we respond then?

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Well,

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I had a very interesting conversation with Weston Brandon.

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who is part of the LDS church.

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When he was in his early

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20s, he lost his wife only weeks after giving birth to their newborn son.

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And he had a lot of anger that he let go out at God.

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If you resonate with this,

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you are going to really be encouraged by this episode.

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I was encouraged to talk to him.

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I have never had a deep conversation like this with someone who is

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from the LDS church.

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So it was very interesting to hear his perspective on his relationship with God.

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This is a great episode.

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I enjoyed having him on to share his story.

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I am Anna Murby.

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This is Honest Christian Conversations.

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If this is your first time tuning in,

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thank you so much for joining me today.

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And if you are a returning listener,

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thank you as well for coming back.

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At the end of this episode,

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if you are feeling encouraged and blessed,

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by this,

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please go to the show notes and let me know in the comments.

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I enjoy getting all the feedback.

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This is how I make the show better for you.

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So I need to hear from you in order to know what you want.

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All right,

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let's get to it.

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Enjoy the show.

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Weston,

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thank you so much for coming on the podcast to talk with me today.

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I was moved by your profile.

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I actually watched

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an Instagram reel you posted on your Instagram page on December

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8th of,

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wow,

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I can't even believe I'm saying this,

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but last year,

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2025.

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And it was,

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your story is inspiring.

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It's definitely full of some heartbreak and to see how you have come up on top and it's just inspiring to me.

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So I'm very happy to have you on.

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to share that story with my audience.

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Yeah,

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thank you.

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Love to do it.

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All right.

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Well,

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take us back to who you were before your tragic incident with your wife and having your son.

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Who were you before all that?

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Yeah.

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So at the time I was,

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I was 23 years old when all that happened and

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I was well on my way for making the life that I wanted.

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I had originally grown up on a cattle ranch

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in rural Utah.

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And I had served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for a couple of years after I graduated high school and had come back and had gotten married,

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obviously.

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And I had started into a sales career.

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I did door-to-door sales after that for just a minute because I figured that was the fastest way to get into a high-performing career that way.

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And I was right.

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I figured it out and I did really good at it.

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And I transitioned into software sales.

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I I worked for a reseller of a...

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company called SolidWorks and I sold mechanical engineering software to manufacturing companies,

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aerospace companies.

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And

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I loved it.

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I did really good at it.

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And at 23,

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I was making about $100,000 a year by the time this had happened.

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And so I checked off all these,

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these like personal performance boxes and personal achievement boxes,

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you know,

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and,

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and me and my wife had a house and we were living in Texas at the time and a suburb of Dallas.

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And we decided our

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you know,

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we're ready to start a family.

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And so it took us a little while,

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but she eventually got pregnant.

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And so we're like,

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all right,

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everything's happening the way that we want it to.

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And we knew our kids were going to go to school.

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Like I had the whole,

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the whole plan,

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you know,

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it was all,

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it was all planned out and it was happening just,

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just how I had planned.

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And then at,

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at 26 weeks along,

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or excuse me,

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at 25 weeks along,

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my wife was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix,

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which when I was initially told about that,

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that sounded like a made up term.

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to me.

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Yeah.

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Like that kind of sounds like an insult too.

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It's like,

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yeah,

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I was like,

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I'll,

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I'll decide,

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like,

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what are you talking about?

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So yeah,

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it didn't sound like a real thing when I was first told,

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you know,

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but then they explained it to me and I find out that is actually a medical thing.

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And for your listeners,

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if they don't know what that is,

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it's basically she dilated,

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but what didn't go into labor.

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So the door opens to the womb and baby can come falling out of there.

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So they're like,

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Hey,

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you have to go on bedrest.

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until the baby comes.

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And she was a little too far along to do a surclosh because I get questioned about that a lot too.

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They're like,

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well,

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why didn't they just sew her up?

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Because that's fairly common.

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It is if they catch it early enough,

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but apparently for...

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I don't know what the cutoff is or,

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you know,

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anything like that,

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but it was too far along to do the surclosh.

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They said,

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well,

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you're on bed rest and we're just going to have to do pelvic exams pretty frequently and just check and make sure everything's good until the baby comes in.

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At,

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you know,

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26 weeks to potentially 40 weeks or 38 weeks or whatever,

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that's potentially still a couple of months that she should be on bed rest at that point.

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How scared were you guys during that time?

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we weren't really weren't scared really during that time because

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Everything we were being told,

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like the baby is still like there's nothing wrong with the baby.

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They're doing extra ultrasounds.

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You know,

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they're doing extra tests just just to be sure.

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And they're like,

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baby's fine.

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Just the lock came off the door and we need to make sure it doesn't fall out of it.

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Yeah.

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And at 26 weeks,

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we were at Baylor Scott and White McKinney Hospital there in Texas and come to find out that that hospital has one of the best NICUs,

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like top three NICUs in the whole country.

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And they have babies that are born earlier than 26 weeks.

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flown out to Baylor,

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Scott and White and McKinney because they're so good at getting them to survive that early,

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you know?

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And they said that they were pretty confident given no other complications other than being early.

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They were pretty confident at 23,

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24 weeks that they could,

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that they could have the baby survive.

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Obviously they didn't like it that early,

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but they,

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they're like,

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we were pretty good with that.

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And so at 25 weeks at this time,

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we're like,

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all right,

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we're just in this window.

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So we,

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they feel pretty confident.

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So we feel.

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pretty confident,

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you know,

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we're just hoping like obviously the longer he stays in is the better.

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And she ended up holding him in for about another week.

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And they had put some,

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they keep her on an IV while she's on bedrest,

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a little drip medication,

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some kind of steroids they gave her that was specifically made to help the baby's lungs develop faster and kind of kick those into gear a little bit.

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And whatever it was that they worked because by the time she'd held him in for another week,

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they go to do another pelvic exam and the baby's coming out breech.

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So I'm like,

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Kate,

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now we have to do an emergency C-section.

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And I get a call.

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I'm working at home on a computer.

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And it is in the morning.

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I just started working and my wife called me.

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She says,

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they're going to pull him out and they're not waiting for you.

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You need to,

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you know,

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all butt up here.

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I hopped in.

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I was driving just an old,

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like 90,

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I think it was a 97 diesel pickup at the time.

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And

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I found out how fast that thing went and got up to the hospital.

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I showed up just barely in time.

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and

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saw him pull him out of there and he was one pound 13 ounces oh so tiny yeah he was but the miracle was like i mentioned that whatever they gave him actually worked he didn't need the breathing tube shoved down his throat like most super early babies need to be intubated he

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didn't need that he was he could he could do it on his own as long as he had he just had a little c-pap they would put on his head to give some pressure you know yeah and of course they take him and go do a

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Everybody starts calling me dad at that time,

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which is weird for the first time,

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you know?

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And they're like,

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baby's fine and everything's good.

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And now you can come see him.

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And now we're going to focus on mom because baby is now,

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he's in the little incubator and he's all good.

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And now we need to focus on mom.

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We need to start getting colostrum flowing,

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you know,

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all these other things that,

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other words that I'd heard once or twice by my wife telling me.

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So I'm like,

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what is this?

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What is it?

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You know,

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all these things I'm learning so fast.

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But all in all,

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it.

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it ended up being being fine and my wife was discharged a day or two later after they sewed her back up and everything was good with her and the only thing that we're told like we really have to wait for is your son has to be big enough to maintain his own body temperature without assistance he needs to eat enough to grow without assistance without they put a little feeding tube like tape it to his face and go into his mouth or up his nose a little bit and then of course hold his own oxygen saturation.

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So those are basically the three.

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things we have to wait for.

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And like,

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however long it takes him to grow to that point.

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And then once he checks all three boxes,

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then you can take him home.

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How hard was that for you not to be able to take him home right away?

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That was,

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well,

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I didn't know any different,

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you know,

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I hadn't,

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I hadn't taken a baby home before.

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So I think I was still kind of deer in the headlights.

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I don't really know what's going on.

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I'm just doing what I'm told,

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but it still was when,

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when me and my wife go home and we're home by ourselves and baby's not,

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that was.

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That was especially harder on her than it was on me because

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I've done a lot of thinking about this and talking to so many other dads that have this.

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With my oldest son,

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Vance is his name,

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she didn't have him in long enough for me to start having the experiences that new dads have towards the later end of pregnancy that start to build the relationship a little bit,

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you know?

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Yeah.

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Feel him moving and stuff.

263
00:09:49.841 --> 00:09:50.076
Yeah.

264
00:09:50.799 --> 00:09:51.040
Yeah,

265
00:09:51.120 --> 00:09:53.866
like she was barely big enough to be showing.

266
00:09:54.310 --> 00:09:54.970
And so

267
00:09:55.411 --> 00:09:57.251
I think in my subconscious mind,

268
00:09:57.252 --> 00:09:58.929
it was still almost a story.

269
00:09:59.250 --> 00:10:00.871
I know that my wife's pregnant because

270
00:10:01.253 --> 00:10:02.171
I've seen the ultrasound.

271
00:10:02.230 --> 00:10:02.628
Obviously,

272
00:10:02.675 --> 00:10:03.371
it's not a lie.

273
00:10:03.753 --> 00:10:08.832
But my subconscious hadn't had time to really make a connection with the baby yet.

274
00:10:09.457 --> 00:10:10.496
So I was still like,

275
00:10:10.558 --> 00:10:12.496
I don't know what the heck's going on.

276
00:10:12.761 --> 00:10:14.839
But there was enough of a connection that I was like,

277
00:10:14.871 --> 00:10:18.058
I want to be up there with my kid.

278
00:10:18.261 --> 00:10:18.949
I want to take him home.

279
00:10:19.199 --> 00:10:20.277
I'm obviously stressed out.

280
00:10:20.355 --> 00:10:21.902
I'm making sure he's okay.

281
00:10:22.666 --> 00:10:23.866
I'm feeling lots of pressure now.

282
00:10:23.886 --> 00:10:24.227
I'm like,

283
00:10:24.646 --> 00:10:27.566
I'm being told Nikki is really expensive and that I got to,

284
00:10:27.808 --> 00:10:29.569
I got to work and pay this thing off.

285
00:10:29.570 --> 00:10:30.226
So there was a lot of,

286
00:10:31.069 --> 00:10:34.148
there's a lot of stress and anxiety on both of our parts.

287
00:10:34.390 --> 00:10:39.734
And I think the stress and anxiety was because I didn't have as much of a connection with him as my wife did at the time.

288
00:10:39.749 --> 00:10:41.187
Cause she could feel him moving and stuff.

289
00:10:41.249 --> 00:10:46.234
I think the stress and anxiety took over more for me on those feelings than,

290
00:10:46.546 --> 00:10:47.155
than she did.

291
00:10:47.327 --> 00:10:48.437
But obviously there,

292
00:10:48.452 --> 00:10:49.405
there was still something there.

293
00:10:49.749 --> 00:10:49.952
Right.

294
00:10:50.358 --> 00:10:50.499
Yeah.

295
00:10:50.671 --> 00:10:50.827
And

296
00:10:51.682 --> 00:11:03.946
What I found was key for me through the process later was I had to put intentional time into trying to learn who my son was.

297
00:11:04.227 --> 00:11:09.282
And I had to put intentional time spending time with him and holding him and getting the skin to skin contact.

298
00:11:09.313 --> 00:11:13.220
And the connection improved and I built a relationship with my son very,

299
00:11:13.329 --> 00:11:14.704
very quickly after that.

300
00:11:14.705 --> 00:11:14.954
You know,

301
00:11:14.970 --> 00:11:15.594
once I decided like,

302
00:11:15.766 --> 00:11:16.626
I'm going to be intentional,

303
00:11:16.673 --> 00:11:17.204
I am dad,

304
00:11:17.391 --> 00:11:19.251
I'm going to love this kid and make a...

305
00:11:19.670 --> 00:11:21.192
make a conscious decision to do that.

306
00:11:21.252 --> 00:11:22.492
And it happened super,

307
00:11:22.533 --> 00:11:23.434
super fast after that.

308
00:11:23.473 --> 00:11:24.977
But the first day,

309
00:11:25.598 --> 00:11:28.957
the first little bit there was weird for me.

310
00:11:30.840 --> 00:11:32.059
It was an interesting time.

311
00:11:32.223 --> 00:11:41.778
So take us through the day things started going south for your wife and how did that affect you both?

312
00:11:42.074 --> 00:11:48.918
Was it instantly or was it something you could see like a progression before she actually passed?

313
00:11:49.062 --> 00:11:49.222
Well,

314
00:11:49.362 --> 00:11:50.182
in hindsight,

315
00:11:50.322 --> 00:11:51.742
I could I can see signs.

316
00:11:52.062 --> 00:11:53.384
I can see some some symptoms.

317
00:11:53.385 --> 00:11:55.623
So there was a little bit of a lead up to it,

318
00:11:55.642 --> 00:11:57.162
but nobody picked up on it.

319
00:11:57.623 --> 00:11:58.748
Nobody recognized anything.

320
00:11:58.982 --> 00:12:01.544
It was kind of pushed off as anxiety,

321
00:12:01.802 --> 00:12:03.482
which given the situation,

322
00:12:03.544 --> 00:12:09.920
like everybody believed her when she said she was having some anxiety episodes and none of the nurses picked up on it.

323
00:12:09.921 --> 00:12:13.091
Her mother is an RN and she didn't pick up on anything like.

324
00:12:13.623 --> 00:12:13.748
So

325
00:12:14.248 --> 00:12:14.388
I've.

326
00:12:14.630 --> 00:12:15.491
After everything happened,

327
00:12:15.691 --> 00:12:16.933
I kicked myself a lot,

328
00:12:16.934 --> 00:12:17.173
you know,

329
00:12:17.174 --> 00:12:18.956
but I had to have some reality checks myself.

330
00:12:19.015 --> 00:12:22.941
Like there was so many other medical professionals in there and nobody noticed.

331
00:12:22.956 --> 00:12:24.003
How are you going to notice?

332
00:12:24.042 --> 00:12:25.120
You're not trained on any of this.

333
00:12:25.323 --> 00:12:27.425
So I had to forgive myself a little bit there.

334
00:12:27.620 --> 00:12:29.323
But what happened was she was diagnosed with a,

335
00:12:29.628 --> 00:12:29.784
well,

336
00:12:30.144 --> 00:12:31.331
posthumously diagnosed,

337
00:12:31.347 --> 00:12:31.581
I guess,

338
00:12:31.800 --> 00:12:33.581
with pulmonary embolism.

339
00:12:34.862 --> 00:12:36.831
Which is a blood clot that gets stuck in your lungs.

340
00:12:37.456 --> 00:12:37.894
Short story.

341
00:12:38.972 --> 00:12:41.816
And leading up to the day that she passed away,

342
00:12:41.862 --> 00:12:42.003
yeah,

343
00:12:42.050 --> 00:12:44.097
there were signs of her having some shortness of breath.

344
00:12:44.458 --> 00:12:46.060
and feeling like she couldn't catch her breath.

345
00:12:46.180 --> 00:12:46.381
Right.

346
00:12:46.580 --> 00:12:47.221
But as I said,

347
00:12:47.281 --> 00:12:51.084
she she thought it was anxiety and she had some anxiety issues before that.

348
00:12:51.085 --> 00:12:54.611
She even took medication for anxiety before she ever got pregnant.

349
00:12:54.830 --> 00:12:58.049
And so when she tells me I'm having anxiety,

350
00:12:58.111 --> 00:12:59.291
I just I believe her.

351
00:12:59.292 --> 00:12:59.596
I'm like,

352
00:12:59.674 --> 00:13:01.182
how can I help you to calm down?

353
00:13:01.276 --> 00:13:02.916
And that's what happened one morning.

354
00:13:03.150 --> 00:13:03.994
I'm working on the computer.

355
00:13:03.995 --> 00:13:07.588
I'm working at home because I'm closer to the hospital at home than I am at the office.

356
00:13:07.604 --> 00:13:14.010
And we're home and she tells me she's having another one of these anxiety episodes and wants me to help her to calm down except this time

357
00:13:14.746 --> 00:13:16.827
was never able to calm down.

358
00:13:17.786 --> 00:13:19.566
She was never able to catch her breath back.

359
00:13:19.905 --> 00:13:21.769
And I eventually took her into the bathroom and I was like,

360
00:13:21.788 --> 00:13:22.148
let's go,

361
00:13:22.249 --> 00:13:25.351
let's go take you into the shower and get you to cool off a little bit or something.

362
00:13:25.366 --> 00:13:26.546
And cause she was,

363
00:13:26.671 --> 00:13:29.866
she was feeling all sorts of weird physical things going on.

364
00:13:30.108 --> 00:13:31.171
And obviously again,

365
00:13:31.249 --> 00:13:34.077
looking back classic symptoms of a pulmonary embolism,

366
00:13:34.124 --> 00:13:35.593
feeling hands and things.

367
00:13:36.296 --> 00:13:38.171
Eventually she's in my arms and she tells me,

368
00:13:38.172 --> 00:13:38.405
she's like,

369
00:13:38.437 --> 00:13:38.546
no,

370
00:13:38.593 --> 00:13:39.437
something's really wrong.

371
00:13:39.530 --> 00:13:40.858
I think you need to call 911.

372
00:13:40.859 --> 00:13:41.234
So I do.

373
00:13:41.327 --> 00:13:41.671
And it was.

374
00:13:42.074 --> 00:13:48.640
while I was on the phone with 911 kind of explaining what was going on and holding her that she eventually collapsed in my arms.

375
00:13:49.261 --> 00:13:51.121
And that was the moment like,

376
00:13:51.246 --> 00:13:51.582
oh,

377
00:13:52.042 --> 00:13:52.566
pardon my French,

378
00:13:52.644 --> 00:13:53.105
oh shit,

379
00:13:53.285 --> 00:13:55.628
was the big moment.

380
00:13:55.667 --> 00:13:59.347
And so then the person on 911 went from asking me questions to she's like,

381
00:13:59.410 --> 00:14:01.394
you need to do CPR right now.

382
00:14:01.706 --> 00:14:03.660
And so she's like yelling at me through the phone.

383
00:14:03.941 --> 00:14:05.956
And so I had to start doing CPR.

384
00:14:05.957 --> 00:14:06.941
And she says,

385
00:14:06.942 --> 00:14:07.300
I've got

386
00:14:07.753 --> 00:14:08.613
EMTs on the way.

387
00:14:08.956 --> 00:14:09.660
Luckily for us,

388
00:14:09.769 --> 00:14:11.050
There was a fire station like.

389
00:14:11.418 --> 00:14:12.319
two blocks away.

390
00:14:12.679 --> 00:14:12.800
So

391
00:14:13.260 --> 00:14:19.245
EMTs showed up really fast within a couple of minutes they were there and they come in and took over for me.

392
00:14:19.550 --> 00:14:21.730
They put her on the stretcher there and had the,

393
00:14:21.847 --> 00:14:27.370
they had this thing that clamped over top of it that would do CPR for them while they were carrying her,

394
00:14:27.456 --> 00:14:29.800
a little machine with a piston on it to do it for them.

395
00:14:29.801 --> 00:14:37.644
And they hauled off to the hospital and I had to retell the story a couple of different times to the police officers that showed up there,

396
00:14:37.690 --> 00:14:38.190
a sheriff.

397
00:14:38.810 --> 00:14:41.312
showed up there and EMT and then the fire chief showed up.

398
00:14:41.353 --> 00:14:42.073
I told him the story.

399
00:14:42.454 --> 00:14:53.202
They make sure to get the story from multiple different people to make sure the details stay the same because at and when so I'm 23 and she's 25 when this happens for someone to.

400
00:14:54.915 --> 00:14:57.376
to have that happen at such a young age,

401
00:14:57.436 --> 00:15:00.075
like we got to rule out any type of foul play here,

402
00:15:00.138 --> 00:15:01.915
any type of drug overdose,

403
00:15:01.916 --> 00:15:02.255
any type of,

404
00:15:02.256 --> 00:15:02.477
you know,

405
00:15:02.517 --> 00:15:02.915
any of those.

406
00:15:02.916 --> 00:15:04.235
We need to make sure the story's the same.

407
00:15:04.259 --> 00:15:10.415
So I had to retell the story a bunch of times to some people and then hold up to the hospital.

408
00:15:11.743 --> 00:15:18.243
And they stuck us in this separate waiting room in the ICU that's not the main lobby of the emergency room,

409
00:15:18.274 --> 00:15:18.462
right?

410
00:15:18.463 --> 00:15:20.024
It's a little family waiting room in there.

411
00:15:21.103 --> 00:15:22.868
And a social worker gets...

412
00:15:23.479 --> 00:15:26.199
assigned to us to kind of be the liaison,

413
00:15:26.560 --> 00:15:31.160
the relaying information between what's going on in the ICU to the family in the waiting room.

414
00:15:32.359 --> 00:15:36.679
And by the time they finally were able to get a pulse sustained,

415
00:15:36.703 --> 00:15:39.437
it had been probably 30 minutes since she had collapsed,

416
00:15:39.828 --> 00:15:41.000
which is way too long,

417
00:15:41.297 --> 00:15:41.562
you know,

418
00:15:41.906 --> 00:15:42.468
way too long.

419
00:15:42.547 --> 00:15:45.547
So we knew just because of how long it had been that it was going to be,

420
00:15:45.968 --> 00:15:47.062
it wasn't going to be good,

421
00:15:47.297 --> 00:15:47.671
whatever,

422
00:15:48.125 --> 00:15:48.859
whatever happened.

423
00:15:49.968 --> 00:15:50.687
And the

424
00:15:51.211 --> 00:15:56.958
Social worker was relaying some of those things and they had pumped her full of some serious drugs to keep her heart going.

425
00:15:57.036 --> 00:15:59.860
And they suspected a blood clot based off of the symptoms.

426
00:15:59.962 --> 00:16:05.024
They put her some clot busting medication in there and eventually did get a very weak pulse back.

427
00:16:05.126 --> 00:16:06.829
But that was it.

428
00:16:06.907 --> 00:16:08.446
And that was in the morning,

429
00:16:08.555 --> 00:16:08.821
probably,

430
00:16:09.352 --> 00:16:10.196
I'm guessing now,

431
00:16:10.212 --> 00:16:10.946
this is years ago,

432
00:16:11.227 --> 00:16:12.852
probably eight or nine in the morning.

433
00:16:13.133 --> 00:16:14.696
And official time of death,

434
00:16:14.790 --> 00:16:16.883
we let her go about two o'clock in the morning,

435
00:16:17.383 --> 00:16:17.618
you know,

436
00:16:17.930 --> 00:16:19.180
18 hours later or something like that.

437
00:16:20.651 --> 00:16:20.931
Wow.

438
00:16:21.112 --> 00:16:21.272
Oh,

439
00:16:21.832 --> 00:16:22.273
Weston,

440
00:16:22.532 --> 00:16:25.136
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.

441
00:16:25.257 --> 00:16:27.538
I can't imagine being so young,

442
00:16:27.898 --> 00:16:28.761
being scared,

443
00:16:29.081 --> 00:16:30.120
confused,

444
00:16:30.784 --> 00:16:32.120
not seeing the signs.

445
00:16:32.761 --> 00:16:40.449
You mentioned how you felt like somehow it was your fault and you had to reconcile with the fact that it wasn't your fault.

446
00:16:40.527 --> 00:16:41.589
Nobody saw this.

447
00:16:42.839 --> 00:16:43.980
And yeah,

448
00:16:44.152 --> 00:16:44.292
you.

449
00:16:44.933 --> 00:16:45.277
Wow.

450
00:16:46.230 --> 00:16:47.402
I don't I don't know what to say.

451
00:16:48.120 --> 00:16:48.558
I just

452
00:16:49.292 --> 00:16:49.417
I.

453
00:16:49.807 --> 00:16:53.989
feel the pain and you retelling the story.

454
00:16:54.071 --> 00:16:58.559
I feel the pain and the confusion and everything.

455
00:16:58.599 --> 00:17:02.958
And I am just so sorry that you had to go through such a trial.

456
00:17:03.341 --> 00:17:07.388
Did she ever get to see your son before she passed?

457
00:17:07.559 --> 00:17:08.919
I know he was in the queue.

458
00:17:09.263 --> 00:17:09.559
Okay.

459
00:17:09.825 --> 00:17:10.309
That's good.

460
00:17:10.528 --> 00:17:10.669
Yes,

461
00:17:10.685 --> 00:17:11.044
she did.

462
00:17:11.403 --> 00:17:13.450
She passed away roughly two weeks later,

463
00:17:13.888 --> 00:17:14.185
actually,

464
00:17:14.372 --> 00:17:14.950
is what it was.

465
00:17:15.216 --> 00:17:15.872
And so

466
00:17:16.388 --> 00:17:18.763
I have pictures of them together of her.

467
00:17:19.255 --> 00:17:44.463
holding him and and a couple of videos of her talking to him and stuff like that so there there we do have some of that and she did get to she did get to see him and we went up to the hospital every day every evening after i got done with work you know we'd go up to the hospital and that was basically the routine was i would work and then we'd get done we'd eat dinner real quick and head up to the hospital and we'd spend four or five hours up at the hospital with him and she'd hold him and see

468
00:17:44.464 --> 00:17:46.244
what the updates are and stuff and

469
00:17:47.279 --> 00:17:47.800
That was when,

470
00:17:47.840 --> 00:17:50.902
that was actually when we looking back when some of the signs would,

471
00:17:51.383 --> 00:17:51.844
would come,

472
00:17:51.845 --> 00:17:56.566
the shortness of breath was we'd be walking up to the hospital and just taking a very short,

473
00:17:57.027 --> 00:17:57.566
very easy,

474
00:17:57.730 --> 00:17:59.527
a hundred yards at the most walk.

475
00:17:59.691 --> 00:18:03.308
And she would be almost completely out of breath as we got closer.

476
00:18:04.168 --> 00:18:04.730
And she's like,

477
00:18:04.777 --> 00:18:05.261
holy cow,

478
00:18:05.277 --> 00:18:05.402
I'm,

479
00:18:05.902 --> 00:18:07.261
give me a minute to catch my breath here.

480
00:18:07.262 --> 00:18:08.418
And didn't,

481
00:18:09.621 --> 00:18:10.465
didn't pick up on that.

482
00:18:10.496 --> 00:18:11.527
Didn't ask anybody about it,

483
00:18:11.543 --> 00:18:12.058
unfortunately.

484
00:18:12.340 --> 00:18:12.887
Yeah.

485
00:18:12.918 --> 00:18:15.668
So was this a problem that she might've had?

486
00:18:15.755 --> 00:18:18.315
before getting pregnant and nobody just knew?

487
00:18:18.676 --> 00:18:22.035
Or was it something that happened because of the pregnancy,

488
00:18:22.438 --> 00:18:23.457
the embolism?

489
00:18:23.738 --> 00:18:26.856
Pregnancy certainly adds a whole bunch of extra risk factors,

490
00:18:27.238 --> 00:18:27.434
right?

491
00:18:28.215 --> 00:18:30.918
And so does having major surgery,

492
00:18:31.301 --> 00:18:33.996
which a C-section is both of those in one.

493
00:18:34.840 --> 00:18:35.684
I've had five.

494
00:18:35.746 --> 00:18:36.074
So yeah,

495
00:18:36.153 --> 00:18:36.715
I get that.

496
00:18:36.903 --> 00:18:39.418
It is definitely a major surgery.

497
00:18:39.777 --> 00:18:39.934
Yeah.

498
00:18:40.121 --> 00:18:41.668
So when they do that,

499
00:18:41.669 --> 00:18:44.637
did they put leg massagers on you when you're in recovery after that.

500
00:18:44.965 --> 00:18:45.121
Yeah.

501
00:18:45.443 --> 00:18:46.004
That's why.

502
00:18:46.184 --> 00:18:47.064
That's why they do that.

503
00:18:47.144 --> 00:18:47.384
You know,

504
00:18:47.484 --> 00:18:59.238
so because you're the blood clots will usually start in the deep leg veins and because your clotting factors for your blood go up when you're going through physical trauma of the surgery of the pregnancy of those types of things.

505
00:18:59.535 --> 00:19:01.277
And then because of the C-section,

506
00:19:01.301 --> 00:19:05.144
you're on bed rest for a little bit more extended period of time.

507
00:19:05.175 --> 00:19:08.019
So then your clotting factors are up and your legs are no longer moving.

508
00:19:08.269 --> 00:19:08.441
Right.

509
00:19:08.566 --> 00:19:11.551
So that's where they're going to start is in those constricted leg veins.

510
00:19:11.552 --> 00:19:15.097
So they put the leg massagers on you to try to break those up and keep the blood from sitting still.

511
00:19:15.247 --> 00:19:16.108
That's why they put it.

512
00:19:16.109 --> 00:19:17.349
And they did the same thing for her.

513
00:19:17.749 --> 00:19:18.851
They didn't forget that.

514
00:19:19.890 --> 00:19:20.574
They did those.

515
00:19:21.031 --> 00:19:21.972
She just ended up,

516
00:19:22.214 --> 00:19:22.734
unfortunately,

517
00:19:22.735 --> 00:19:28.359
being a statistic that still got one and wasn't caught soon enough to stop it.

518
00:19:28.999 --> 00:19:32.937
But there are other factors that can play into that.

519
00:19:33.078 --> 00:19:35.249
There's a couple of blood clotting disorders,

520
00:19:35.281 --> 00:19:35.609
I guess.

521
00:19:36.062 --> 00:19:37.468
Factor V Leiden is one of those.

522
00:19:38.231 --> 00:19:38.511
I have,

523
00:19:38.692 --> 00:19:39.472
you saw my story,

524
00:19:39.512 --> 00:19:41.715
I've been remarried and I have a couple more kids now.

525
00:19:42.134 --> 00:19:46.361
My wife now actually has factor five light and she has a blood clotting disorder,

526
00:19:46.439 --> 00:19:48.181
which was kind of a,

527
00:19:49.361 --> 00:19:49.541
when,

528
00:19:49.666 --> 00:19:51.884
when she finally broke that to me at the time we were dating,

529
00:19:51.923 --> 00:19:53.384
I was kind of looking to God,

530
00:19:53.385 --> 00:19:53.666
I'm like,

531
00:19:53.767 --> 00:19:54.689
this is a sick.

532
00:19:55.611 --> 00:19:56.408
Oh yeah.

533
00:19:56.486 --> 00:19:56.611
No,

534
00:19:56.830 --> 00:19:57.142
it was,

535
00:19:57.642 --> 00:19:57.830
she,

536
00:19:58.064 --> 00:19:59.111
she knowing the story,

537
00:19:59.205 --> 00:19:59.658
she's like,

538
00:19:59.689 --> 00:20:01.049
I don't want to tell this guy.

539
00:20:01.455 --> 00:20:02.220
I know.

540
00:20:02.752 --> 00:20:03.158
Wow.

541
00:20:03.173 --> 00:20:03.799
He had had,

542
00:20:04.173 --> 00:20:04.423
you know,

543
00:20:04.533 --> 00:20:05.752
way before we ever met.

544
00:20:06.187 --> 00:20:07.691
think she was 19 when it happened.

545
00:20:07.731 --> 00:20:10.436
She had actually had multiple pulmonary embolisms,

546
00:20:10.459 --> 00:20:12.284
and that's how she found out that she had.

547
00:20:12.779 --> 00:20:13.640
or clotting disorder,

548
00:20:13.780 --> 00:20:17.803
but she had some other symptoms that are extremely rare with pulmonary embolism.

549
00:20:17.842 --> 00:20:20.346
She actually had severe pain in her back and her chest,

550
00:20:20.385 --> 00:20:22.451
which is very rare for pulmonary embolism.

551
00:20:22.530 --> 00:20:25.530
Usually you don't feel anything and Lauren didn't feel anything.

552
00:20:25.772 --> 00:20:26.030
Yeah.

553
00:20:26.031 --> 00:20:26.553
She had some,

554
00:20:26.733 --> 00:20:26.912
like,

555
00:20:27.233 --> 00:20:29.951
felt like someone was stabbing her in the chest or in the back.

556
00:20:29.983 --> 00:20:32.545
And so that's why she went into the urgent care and they did some tests,

557
00:20:32.561 --> 00:20:34.358
found out her clotting numbers were through the roof,

558
00:20:34.420 --> 00:20:35.061
went to the ER,

559
00:20:35.108 --> 00:20:35.764
did ultrasounds,

560
00:20:35.827 --> 00:20:40.123
found multiple pulmonary embolisms in her lungs and almost had to have surgery to remove them,

561
00:20:40.124 --> 00:20:41.608
but they busted them loose.

562
00:20:41.995 --> 00:20:42.556
So then they're like,

563
00:20:42.576 --> 00:20:42.716
hey,

564
00:20:43.838 --> 00:20:44.818
we've we've test your blood.

565
00:20:44.819 --> 00:20:46.061
You have this blood clotting disorder.

566
00:20:46.080 --> 00:20:46.959
So now just so you know,

567
00:20:46.960 --> 00:20:47.459
in the future,

568
00:20:47.460 --> 00:20:48.443
if you ever get pregnant,

569
00:20:48.463 --> 00:20:51.826
you have to take daily blood thinner injections every day while you're pregnant.

570
00:20:52.201 --> 00:20:54.686
So we've obviously we've had a couple more kids then.

571
00:20:54.687 --> 00:20:55.811
So we've gone through that whole,

572
00:20:55.826 --> 00:20:56.248
you know,

573
00:20:56.412 --> 00:20:58.748
we've we've been able to we've been able to make it work.

574
00:20:59.170 --> 00:21:01.529
So when she told you this news,

575
00:21:01.717 --> 00:21:07.201
how did what was your first reaction when she told you this news that she don't think I said?

576
00:21:07.547 --> 00:21:08.669
I don't think I said anything.

577
00:21:08.708 --> 00:21:10.171
I just remember looking and like.

578
00:21:10.172 --> 00:21:11.632
Your face probably said it all.

579
00:21:11.792 --> 00:21:13.675
Are you kidding me?

580
00:21:13.676 --> 00:21:13.893
You know,

581
00:21:13.971 --> 00:21:14.393
that was,

582
00:21:14.612 --> 00:21:16.034
that was a shock for sure.

583
00:21:17.175 --> 00:21:17.956
That was a rough one.

584
00:21:18.299 --> 00:21:18.479
Yeah.

585
00:21:18.901 --> 00:21:20.940
The irony you stick with that.

586
00:21:21.018 --> 00:21:22.440
That's interesting.

587
00:21:22.441 --> 00:21:22.565
Wow.

588
00:21:22.862 --> 00:21:25.612
So how old is your son now?

589
00:21:25.878 --> 00:21:27.971
He is six and he'll be seven in March.

590
00:21:28.253 --> 00:21:33.471
Has he got to see the videos of his mom holding him and see the pictures?

591
00:21:33.831 --> 00:21:35.221
What was his first reaction?

592
00:21:35.379 --> 00:21:40.203
I don't know if I could give you a first reaction because we've shown him the forever.

593
00:21:41.484 --> 00:21:44.504
So he's never really not known who she is.

594
00:21:44.567 --> 00:21:44.910
In fact,

595
00:21:45.527 --> 00:21:46.426
if you see behind me,

596
00:21:46.527 --> 00:21:48.434
we have this table here.

597
00:21:48.613 --> 00:21:51.012
Her picture is right over there,

598
00:21:51.356 --> 00:21:52.035
Lauren's picture.

599
00:21:52.238 --> 00:21:57.941
And this painting was actually a painting that Lauren wanted for a long time because she felt like the woman in this painting.

600
00:21:59.348 --> 00:22:01.629
She always related with that woman in Scarlet.

601
00:22:02.823 --> 00:22:03.523
kneeling at Jesus'

602
00:22:03.583 --> 00:22:07.883
feet asking for forgiveness for stuff you know she always wanted that painting so after she passed away

603
00:22:08.223 --> 00:22:29.551
I kind of go through my the whole phase of I have to do everything to to honor and do anything that she ever wanted you know that was one of the things that I got and oh and then inside this credenza here behind me is photo album she played college softball and there's photo albums for as a kid and her whole family like this is kind of a whole I don't know the right word to use but for her you know and her whole family really there's yeah

604
00:22:29.582 --> 00:22:31.676
there's a big tribute for her kind of on one side of this.

605
00:22:31.677 --> 00:22:32.567
And then there's pictures of

606
00:22:32.631 --> 00:22:36.332
me and my second wife over here and of our kids and stuff.

607
00:22:36.333 --> 00:22:40.111
So this is this actually this is why I like having this behind me for my podcast interviews,

608
00:22:40.112 --> 00:22:42.173
because this is our family.

609
00:22:42.213 --> 00:22:43.095
This is our story.

610
00:22:43.314 --> 00:22:44.955
This whole thing right here.

611
00:22:44.956 --> 00:22:45.150
You know,

612
00:22:45.673 --> 00:22:45.916
honestly,

613
00:22:45.931 --> 00:22:46.892
when you look in the background,

614
00:22:46.893 --> 00:22:47.752
you don't know what it is.

615
00:22:47.853 --> 00:22:49.908
But when I get to tell the story and I'm like,

616
00:22:50.173 --> 00:22:51.752
this is the story right here behind me.

617
00:22:51.783 --> 00:22:51.970
Yeah.

618
00:22:52.002 --> 00:22:52.642
Yeah.

619
00:22:52.783 --> 00:22:53.377
I love that.

620
00:22:53.814 --> 00:22:56.877
It it reminds me a little of my situation.

621
00:22:57.783 --> 00:23:02.252
My husband was married before me and his wife died of a rare heart cancer.

622
00:23:03.355 --> 00:23:05.577
And before they could even have kids.

623
00:23:05.698 --> 00:23:13.905
So he's got plants in our front of our house that I don't touch because I'm a terrible plant person.

624
00:23:14.069 --> 00:23:14.506
I'm like,

625
00:23:14.530 --> 00:23:16.170
they'll die if I touch them.

626
00:23:16.670 --> 00:23:19.944
But he's been keeping them alive because they were something that she had.

627
00:23:20.069 --> 00:23:22.194
And so he keeps them alive for her.

628
00:23:22.537 --> 00:23:30.944
And we have a few yard ornaments that were things that she liked that were in there and things that remind him of her.

629
00:23:32.475 --> 00:23:33.336
It's ironic,

630
00:23:33.576 --> 00:23:36.039
her birthday and my birthday are in the same month,

631
00:23:36.378 --> 00:23:37.101
not the same day,

632
00:23:37.238 --> 00:23:38.101
but the same month.

633
00:23:38.742 --> 00:23:40.800
So that month is a positive,

634
00:23:40.863 --> 00:23:43.089
but also a sad time for him as well.

635
00:23:43.269 --> 00:23:46.972
So I have to remind myself when that day comes that it's her birthday,

636
00:23:47.128 --> 00:23:50.105
that he's a little more somber and it's not got anything to do with me,

637
00:23:51.199 --> 00:23:51.636
the day.

638
00:23:51.980 --> 00:23:52.121
Oh,

639
00:23:52.699 --> 00:23:52.855
yeah,

640
00:23:52.949 --> 00:23:53.230
I can,

641
00:23:53.449 --> 00:23:55.730
I can kind of relate to that situation.

642
00:23:55.777 --> 00:24:01.621
And I think it's beautiful that you wouldn't have your wife now if it wasn't because of the things that happened before.

643
00:24:02.275 --> 00:24:03.837
And it's the same with my husband.

644
00:24:04.177 --> 00:24:06.999
He was an atheist before I met him.

645
00:24:07.198 --> 00:24:09.343
And before when he was with his wife,

646
00:24:09.441 --> 00:24:10.464
she was a Catholic.

647
00:24:10.581 --> 00:24:13.386
So she kind of brought him to faith through her death.

648
00:24:14.128 --> 00:24:17.706
And we ended up meeting at our Christian church.

649
00:24:18.831 --> 00:24:20.066
And that's where we met.

650
00:24:20.159 --> 00:24:22.753
And we've been together for about 11 years now.

651
00:24:22.956 --> 00:24:26.784
So it's like I wouldn't have him if it wasn't for what happened to her.

652
00:24:27.425 --> 00:24:31.409
And he wouldn't have met Christ if it wasn't for what happened.

653
00:24:31.611 --> 00:24:32.592
to her as well.

654
00:24:32.712 --> 00:24:38.473
So it's like the life happens and sometimes it sucks really bad,

655
00:24:38.813 --> 00:24:40.790
but good things can come out of it.

656
00:24:41.032 --> 00:24:44.571
And it sounds like a lot of good things have come out of it for you.

657
00:24:44.751 --> 00:24:47.532
So why don't you share some of those things with us?

658
00:24:47.774 --> 00:24:47.930
Yeah.

659
00:24:48.055 --> 00:24:48.290
I mean,

660
00:24:48.337 --> 00:24:48.759
obviously my,

661
00:24:48.852 --> 00:24:49.727
my family is,

662
00:24:50.180 --> 00:24:51.055
is the biggest thing,

663
00:24:51.071 --> 00:24:51.337
you know,

664
00:24:51.352 --> 00:24:53.680
that that's what my whole world revolves around.

665
00:24:53.696 --> 00:24:55.759
I wouldn't have the children that I do now.

666
00:24:56.337 --> 00:24:56.977
That did not happen.

667
00:24:57.040 --> 00:24:57.274
You know,

668
00:24:57.275 --> 00:24:58.618
I wouldn't have the marriage that I,

669
00:24:58.962 --> 00:25:00.696
I have now my my family is so.

670
00:25:01.591 --> 00:25:05.438
And our families are so unique in that sense that.

671
00:25:09.357 --> 00:25:13.901
I used to hear the word polygamy and think that like there's no way that that's possible.

672
00:25:13.960 --> 00:25:15.483
But then there's now I'm like,

673
00:25:15.745 --> 00:25:19.690
maybe there's I could I could maybe see that,

674
00:25:19.706 --> 00:25:19.925
you know,

675
00:25:19.926 --> 00:25:26.956
because only because I'm like my heart actually has two romantic relationships inside of it that coexist,

676
00:25:27.597 --> 00:25:27.862
you know.

677
00:25:28.190 --> 00:25:28.956
So for that reason,

678
00:25:29.003 --> 00:25:29.315
I'm like,

679
00:25:29.581 --> 00:25:30.690
I could I could see something.

680
00:25:30.722 --> 00:25:30.972
Yeah.

681
00:25:31.331 --> 00:25:36.503
But it's it's such a different it's it's such a different dynamic.

682
00:25:36.956 --> 00:25:37.081
And.

683
00:25:37.496 --> 00:25:38.757
that video that you said,

684
00:25:39.056 --> 00:25:42.356
I'm sure you probably saw the one that blew up was the one where it started like,

685
00:25:42.357 --> 00:25:42.477
hey,

686
00:25:42.478 --> 00:25:43.055
this is my wife,

687
00:25:43.098 --> 00:25:43.298
Lauren.

688
00:25:43.299 --> 00:25:43.856
This is our story.

689
00:25:43.857 --> 00:25:45.235
And it kind of went through a little slideshow.

690
00:25:45.915 --> 00:25:46.118
Yeah.

691
00:25:46.141 --> 00:25:47.962
Did you scroll through some of the comments on that video?

692
00:25:48.258 --> 00:25:48.376
No,

693
00:25:48.735 --> 00:25:49.501
I haven't.

694
00:25:49.719 --> 00:25:49.837
Yeah.

695
00:25:49.876 --> 00:25:53.016
You should go through the comments on that because there's plenty of really good comments,

696
00:25:53.017 --> 00:25:54.727
but there are a lot of.

697
00:25:54.993 --> 00:25:55.227
Yeah.

698
00:25:55.462 --> 00:25:58.868
I noticed you highlighted a few in a video and I'm like,

699
00:25:59.180 --> 00:25:59.415
wow.

700
00:25:59.540 --> 00:25:59.743
Yeah.

701
00:25:59.915 --> 00:26:05.618
There's like a lot of people out there who just want to hate and they don't.

702
00:26:06.044 --> 00:26:06.405
Because

703
00:26:07.165 --> 00:26:10.009
I think I kind of shot myself in the foot with that video a little bit also because

704
00:26:10.388 --> 00:26:11.470
I didn't clarify.

705
00:26:11.568 --> 00:26:14.076
We were married about a year after my wife passed away.

706
00:26:14.435 --> 00:26:15.036
But even still,

707
00:26:15.037 --> 00:26:17.255
the people that caught that that was a year later,

708
00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:17.997
because I mentioned I was like,

709
00:26:17.998 --> 00:26:18.115
hey,

710
00:26:18.279 --> 00:26:19.060
a few months later,

711
00:26:19.076 --> 00:26:19.880
I met this girl.

712
00:26:20.341 --> 00:26:20.677
They were like,

713
00:26:20.678 --> 00:26:23.427
you got married a couple months later while your baby's still in the NICU.

714
00:26:23.428 --> 00:26:23.708
I'm like,

715
00:26:23.755 --> 00:26:23.880
no.

716
00:26:24.005 --> 00:26:25.536
Yeah.

717
00:26:25.849 --> 00:26:26.240
Even still,

718
00:26:26.380 --> 00:26:30.474
someone that did catch on that it was a year later saying just terrible,

719
00:26:30.646 --> 00:26:31.349
terrible things,

720
00:26:31.412 --> 00:26:33.505
calling me a narcissistic piece of crap.

721
00:26:33.536 --> 00:26:33.786
and then

722
00:26:34.084 --> 00:26:39.626
I obviously was cheating during that time because there's no possible way that I could have been.

723
00:26:41.107 --> 00:26:45.290
And I don't blame them for this because I wouldn't have either.

724
00:26:45.650 --> 00:26:55.415
But grasp the truth that you can have love for a late spouse and hold that sacred and not lose that relationship,

725
00:26:55.509 --> 00:26:55.743
really.

726
00:26:56.353 --> 00:26:56.712
In fact,

727
00:26:56.790 --> 00:27:02.993
even kind of grow it a little bit while also growing another relationship and falling in love with somebody else.

728
00:27:03.712 --> 00:27:10.839
And having both together and that the new relationship does not replace the old one.

729
00:27:11.460 --> 00:27:12.081
And the best thing

730
00:27:12.424 --> 00:27:15.182
I can describe it to is when you have children.

731
00:27:16.643 --> 00:27:17.706
Before I ever had Vance,

732
00:27:17.729 --> 00:27:18.807
when I didn't have any children,

733
00:27:19.143 --> 00:27:19.956
I remember thinking like,

734
00:27:19.971 --> 00:27:23.487
I don't know how I can love another person as much as I love my spouse.

735
00:27:23.488 --> 00:27:25.534
And then you have a kid and obviously it's a different look,

736
00:27:25.674 --> 00:27:27.503
but it's incredible.

737
00:27:28.081 --> 00:27:29.612
And then really the biggest,

738
00:27:29.971 --> 00:27:30.503
the biggest.

739
00:27:30.792 --> 00:27:32.514
aha moment is when you have the one kid,

740
00:27:32.534 --> 00:27:32.794
you're like,

741
00:27:32.814 --> 00:27:35.218
there's no way I can love another kid as much as this kid.

742
00:27:35.577 --> 00:27:37.339
And then you have another kid and you're like,

743
00:27:37.558 --> 00:27:37.820
wow,

744
00:27:38.198 --> 00:27:38.398
okay,

745
00:27:38.399 --> 00:27:39.116
it is possible.

746
00:27:39.140 --> 00:27:39.921
It just happens.

747
00:27:39.999 --> 00:27:41.640
And there's no way you can,

748
00:27:42.085 --> 00:27:45.405
that you can grasp that concept until they're actually there.

749
00:27:45.866 --> 00:27:46.788
And then when they're there,

750
00:27:46.882 --> 00:27:50.194
then you can't think of not loving both of these kids.

751
00:27:50.195 --> 00:27:51.820
You can't imagine anything,

752
00:27:51.898 --> 00:27:52.179
but,

753
00:27:52.679 --> 00:27:53.460
and it's kind of the,

754
00:27:53.554 --> 00:27:55.570
kind of the same that that happened.

755
00:27:55.632 --> 00:27:59.398
So it happened very quickly and it happened very miraculously.

756
00:27:59.757 --> 00:28:00.007
And

757
00:28:00.504 --> 00:28:01.005
And after,

758
00:28:01.185 --> 00:28:02.647
after it happened and after we started,

759
00:28:02.787 --> 00:28:03.346
started dating,

760
00:28:03.347 --> 00:28:03.647
we're like,

761
00:28:03.967 --> 00:28:04.409
this is,

762
00:28:04.569 --> 00:28:06.549
this is kind of a meant to be thing in,

763
00:28:06.670 --> 00:28:07.670
in however it can be.

764
00:28:08.514 --> 00:28:11.311
Because at the time when I decided to open myself up to that,

765
00:28:11.312 --> 00:28:12.155
it made me nauseous.

766
00:28:12.178 --> 00:28:12.319
Like,

767
00:28:12.334 --> 00:28:12.514
I don't,

768
00:28:12.639 --> 00:28:13.600
I don't want to do this.

769
00:28:14.061 --> 00:28:16.280
I was feeling some spiritual pressure to do so.

770
00:28:16.655 --> 00:28:21.030
And in prayers and talking a lot to more like screaming at God a lot,

771
00:28:21.108 --> 00:28:21.389
you know,

772
00:28:21.405 --> 00:28:21.702
I was,

773
00:28:21.889 --> 00:28:22.545
was not happy.

774
00:28:25.170 --> 00:28:25.295
I,

775
00:28:25.702 --> 00:28:27.264
I hated his guts for a while,

776
00:28:27.452 --> 00:28:29.108
but I had heard somewhere from

777
00:28:29.228 --> 00:28:32.251
And from some somebody had told me once that even if you're mad at God,

778
00:28:32.290 --> 00:28:35.275
just don't stop talking to him because he can at least help you work through it.

779
00:28:35.935 --> 00:28:36.216
And so

780
00:28:36.615 --> 00:28:38.681
I kind of took that and I in my prayers,

781
00:28:38.682 --> 00:28:39.658
I would basically tell God,

782
00:28:39.697 --> 00:28:39.837
like,

783
00:28:39.838 --> 00:28:40.142
you know what?

784
00:28:40.143 --> 00:28:41.197
I don't want you to say anything.

785
00:28:41.462 --> 00:28:44.447
I got a bone to pick with you and I'm just going to yell at you and then I'm going to be done.

786
00:28:44.720 --> 00:28:47.212
And that's going to that's how it's going to be for a while,

787
00:28:47.462 --> 00:28:47.712
you know.

788
00:28:49.947 --> 00:28:51.197
But after a while,

789
00:28:51.462 --> 00:28:52.994
I started feeling like

790
00:28:53.337 --> 00:28:57.431
I needed to do whatever I needed to do inside my own heart,

791
00:28:57.478 --> 00:28:58.697
inside my own mind to.

792
00:28:59.069 --> 00:29:01.857
open myself to that again and be willing to do that.

793
00:29:03.100 --> 00:29:03.781
And so

794
00:29:04.181 --> 00:29:04.442
I got,

795
00:29:04.682 --> 00:29:05.944
I was very blessed that I,

796
00:29:06.264 --> 00:29:06.883
after this happened,

797
00:29:06.884 --> 00:29:07.206
after my,

798
00:29:07.366 --> 00:29:08.686
my son got discharged from the NICU,

799
00:29:08.706 --> 00:29:11.088
we moved back to Utah where my family's at.

800
00:29:11.846 --> 00:29:12.409
Cause in Texas,

801
00:29:12.432 --> 00:29:14.995
I didn't have any family nearby and I needed some help.

802
00:29:15.331 --> 00:29:15.510
Right.

803
00:29:15.690 --> 00:29:16.495
So I moved back in,

804
00:29:16.651 --> 00:29:17.456
in with my parents,

805
00:29:17.495 --> 00:29:20.784
right back into the same bedroom that I was in when I graduated high school,

806
00:29:20.971 --> 00:29:21.284
you know,

807
00:29:21.331 --> 00:29:21.612
like,

808
00:29:21.799 --> 00:29:23.252
like start over.

809
00:29:25.159 --> 00:29:29.565
It was after being in there for a while that I started having that kind of pressure,

810
00:29:29.581 --> 00:29:29.752
those,

811
00:29:29.768 --> 00:29:30.409
those feelings.

812
00:29:31.002 --> 00:29:31.534
So I was like,

813
00:29:31.549 --> 00:29:31.690
well,

814
00:29:32.252 --> 00:29:32.534
all right.

815
00:29:32.780 --> 00:29:37.466
A neighbor of ours was a licensed clinical therapist that specialized in grief.

816
00:29:38.005 --> 00:29:38.388
He's like,

817
00:29:38.389 --> 00:29:38.626
come,

818
00:29:38.845 --> 00:29:39.548
come chat.

819
00:29:39.549 --> 00:29:41.411
I won't charge you a dime for anything.

820
00:29:41.412 --> 00:29:42.348
He's a good family friend.

821
00:29:42.388 --> 00:30:00.231
And so I did weekly therapy sessions with him for a while and and worked on some stuff and realized very quickly and quite abruptly that the grief and the pain that I was experiencing wasn't the core of my problems that were coming to me mentally of the things I was struggling with.

822
00:30:00.512 --> 00:30:01.372
It was just...

823
00:30:02.016 --> 00:30:05.059
a catalyst really to it.

824
00:30:05.080 --> 00:30:06.701
When the grief broke me open,

825
00:30:07.061 --> 00:30:10.627
it broke open all of the other old ones that I hadn't worked through.

826
00:30:11.127 --> 00:30:16.611
So there was there was other I hesitate to use the word traumas because having been through a serious trauma,

827
00:30:16.627 --> 00:30:18.932
I realized what I used to think was trauma was not.

828
00:30:19.447 --> 00:30:19.619
Yeah.

829
00:30:20.260 --> 00:30:27.807
I think we all if we took a step back from what we consider trauma would have a different word for it.

830
00:30:27.808 --> 00:30:27.978
Yeah.

831
00:30:28.182 --> 00:30:28.885
It's just a,

832
00:30:29.322 --> 00:30:30.057
just a challenge,

833
00:30:31.088 --> 00:30:31.307
you know?

834
00:30:31.840 --> 00:30:33.742
That's a good one.

835
00:30:33.743 --> 00:30:35.164
But it's still a hard challenge,

836
00:30:35.424 --> 00:30:35.666
you know,

837
00:30:36.225 --> 00:30:42.588
and realize that there were a couple of other things that my brain was treating as a trauma the way that a brain does treat trauma.

838
00:30:42.650 --> 00:30:52.986
But most of them were just paradigms of belief that I had stuck myself in inside this mental box of who I was and what I was capable of because of stories that I was told throughout growing up.

839
00:30:53.314 --> 00:30:56.330
I had to break those paradigms and had to realize that

840
00:30:56.768 --> 00:30:58.986
I'm not what other people said I was.

841
00:30:59.033 --> 00:30:59.361
I'm not.

842
00:30:59.516 --> 00:31:01.759
these kinds of things that I could work through.

843
00:31:02.620 --> 00:31:05.702
And as I started breaking through some of those,

844
00:31:05.901 --> 00:31:16.768
I started getting a feeling like you need to put effort into finding whoever it is that's supposed to be the mother of your children here on this earth and who's supposed to be your partner here.

845
00:31:17.487 --> 00:31:19.394
Because I was on FMLA leave.

846
00:31:19.909 --> 00:31:22.237
I was basically kind of in this limbo period,

847
00:31:22.331 --> 00:31:23.847
but eventually I had to go back to work.

848
00:31:23.878 --> 00:31:25.268
I had to start taking care of this kid.

849
00:31:26.206 --> 00:31:26.456
And

850
00:31:26.760 --> 00:31:30.683
I really didn't want to leave that on my parents because both my parents worked full time.

851
00:31:30.863 --> 00:31:36.851
I didn't really have anybody that could just watch my kid all day while I was working and I couldn't afford daycare.

852
00:31:37.210 --> 00:31:38.249
Eventually I decided I was like,

853
00:31:38.250 --> 00:31:38.531
all right,

854
00:31:38.554 --> 00:31:42.078
I'll be open to this if that's what you want me to do.

855
00:31:42.413 --> 00:31:43.952
And it makes me nauseous.

856
00:31:43.984 --> 00:31:44.624
I don't like it,

857
00:31:44.734 --> 00:31:47.343
but I'll try to make myself open to it.

858
00:31:47.640 --> 00:31:50.109
And so that was kind of how it started for a week or two.

859
00:31:50.110 --> 00:31:50.437
It was like,

860
00:31:50.438 --> 00:31:50.702
all right,

861
00:31:50.703 --> 00:31:52.390
I'll be open to it if you stick somebody here.

862
00:31:52.499 --> 00:31:55.843
And then after a couple of weeks of praying about it and still feeling this pressure,

863
00:31:55.844 --> 00:31:56.093
I was like.

864
00:31:56.424 --> 00:31:56.604
Now,

865
00:31:57.145 --> 00:31:58.225
if something's going to happen,

866
00:31:58.246 --> 00:32:00.729
you need to put yourself in an environment where it can.

867
00:32:01.167 --> 00:32:05.714
And just staying cooped up in your mother's basement is not where that's going to happen.

868
00:32:06.292 --> 00:32:06.456
Yeah.

869
00:32:06.893 --> 00:32:07.018
So

870
00:32:07.393 --> 00:32:12.042
I tried going to some single adult church activities and stuff and that.

871
00:32:12.596 --> 00:32:15.659
I didn't like that because even though most people were still my age,

872
00:32:16.425 --> 00:32:16.768
there was,

873
00:32:17.346 --> 00:32:17.722
I don't know,

874
00:32:17.723 --> 00:32:21.315
an emotional disconnect between me and everybody else.

875
00:32:22.253 --> 00:32:22.925
I had a kid.

876
00:32:22.956 --> 00:32:23.628
I had been married.

877
00:32:23.675 --> 00:32:25.096
She had died and I was a dad.

878
00:32:25.346 --> 00:32:26.018
there's just a

879
00:32:26.084 --> 00:32:30.888
the position was so different that I didn't feel like I related to anybody in there.

880
00:32:31.650 --> 00:32:32.111
So I was like,

881
00:32:32.112 --> 00:32:32.892
I don't want to do that.

882
00:32:33.232 --> 00:32:35.056
So eventually there's this,

883
00:32:35.057 --> 00:32:39.541
there's a dating app in Utah called Mutual that was originally made for LDS folks.

884
00:32:39.900 --> 00:32:40.376
So I was like,

885
00:32:40.439 --> 00:32:41.783
I'll try that,

886
00:32:43.017 --> 00:32:43.626
I guess.

887
00:32:44.283 --> 00:32:46.283
I really hate this because I was like,

888
00:32:46.626 --> 00:32:47.861
I don't want to do this,

889
00:32:47.892 --> 00:32:49.330
but I'm feeling like I need to.

890
00:32:49.564 --> 00:32:50.408
A few months later,

891
00:32:50.455 --> 00:32:52.392
I put pictures of me and my son and filled the...

892
00:32:53.140 --> 00:33:10.118
bio section of the profile with as much as it would allow me to tell the story of what's going on where we're at you know and I published it and I was like okay if anybody swipes on this they're not playing games they're they're very emotionally stable ready to to have a serious relationship or they're

893
00:33:10.165 --> 00:33:21.962
absolutely nuts they're absolutely crazy so I'm like at least my situation weeds out all the tire kickers so I remember going through and swiping through some of those and I said no to every single other person that you could swipe on in there.

894
00:33:22.348 --> 00:33:23.708
Got to the end and I was like,

895
00:33:23.728 --> 00:33:23.888
well,

896
00:33:24.428 --> 00:33:24.889
tried that.

897
00:33:24.928 --> 00:33:25.489
That didn't work.

898
00:33:25.569 --> 00:33:26.510
Guess I'm not doing that.

899
00:33:26.889 --> 00:33:29.209
And I had this moment where I was like,

900
00:33:29.311 --> 00:33:29.530
nah,

901
00:33:30.248 --> 00:33:32.573
you said no because none of them are actually your wife.

902
00:33:32.854 --> 00:33:34.932
You're looking for your wife and they're not her.

903
00:33:35.034 --> 00:33:35.651
So you said no.

904
00:33:36.073 --> 00:33:37.495
And that's not going to work.

905
00:33:37.815 --> 00:33:38.409
So then I'm like,

906
00:33:38.456 --> 00:33:38.659
well,

907
00:33:39.034 --> 00:33:41.940
then I'm going to keep saying no because I don't want anybody else.

908
00:33:43.440 --> 00:33:44.018
And so

909
00:33:44.456 --> 00:33:45.377
I got digging into it.

910
00:33:45.378 --> 00:33:49.330
And there's a premium version that you could pay for like 20 bucks a month or something like that where.

911
00:33:49.688 --> 00:34:06.159
you wouldn't have to swipe and if anybody swiped on your profile it would just notify you that hey somebody swiped on your profile like all right cool take my money because i don't want to i it's making me sick to my stomach to be on this app and so i did that and i disabled notifications on that app for a while so it wouldn't even tell me and

912
00:34:07.001 --> 00:34:08.723
I just refused to look at it for a while.

913
00:34:08.763 --> 00:34:12.006
And then it's probably a week later or something up in the middle of the night,

914
00:34:12.084 --> 00:34:14.006
feeding my son and got him back down.

915
00:34:14.850 --> 00:34:18.154
And then just felt like this strong pull to go check that.

916
00:34:18.553 --> 00:34:19.053
And it's like,

917
00:34:19.054 --> 00:34:19.553
I don't want to,

918
00:34:19.554 --> 00:34:20.014
I don't want to,

919
00:34:20.015 --> 00:34:20.397
I don't want to.

920
00:34:20.834 --> 00:34:22.076
And fought it for a little bit.

921
00:34:22.154 --> 00:34:27.428
And then I finally gave in and looked at it and there was four or five women that had swiped on mine.

922
00:34:27.865 --> 00:34:28.365
So then I'm like,

923
00:34:28.366 --> 00:34:28.678
all right,

924
00:34:28.679 --> 00:34:28.975
I guess,

925
00:34:30.303 --> 00:34:31.740
I guess start talking.

926
00:34:32.600 --> 00:34:35.006
I don't really even remember how to.

927
00:34:35.565 --> 00:34:37.888
how to do this because I don't want to do this.

928
00:34:38.388 --> 00:34:38.628
Yeah.

929
00:34:38.909 --> 00:34:41.210
But send some messages and started some conversations.

930
00:34:41.589 --> 00:34:45.831
And they were all they seemed from the conversations we were having like they were all really,

931
00:34:46.214 --> 00:34:50.378
really cool people had been through some stuff on their own.

932
00:34:50.441 --> 00:34:56.503
And my my wife that I'm married to now is the one that I went the first one that I went on a date with.

933
00:34:58.191 --> 00:35:02.253
And I remember after after that first date was well,

934
00:35:02.487 --> 00:35:04.581
it was after I think it was after our second date.

935
00:35:04.737 --> 00:35:05.638
that I decided like

936
00:35:06.099 --> 00:35:22.161
I'm not pursuing any any any of these other ones not because I don't I don't think they could work but I'm like this is yeah you just felt the connection with her yeah there is a there's a very powerful experience um that I had that told me like I was no

937
00:35:22.208 --> 00:35:22.536
I don't

938
00:35:23.489 --> 00:35:24.989
I I'm not one to say that

939
00:35:25.396 --> 00:35:28.646
God will tell you you have to marry a particular person I don't

940
00:35:29.099 --> 00:35:30.115
I don't subscribe to that.

941
00:35:31.458 --> 00:35:32.583
But at the time.

942
00:35:32.789 --> 00:35:33.510
I'm still very,

943
00:35:33.790 --> 00:35:34.990
very angry with God.

944
00:35:34.991 --> 00:35:36.893
I had some serious issues with him still.

945
00:35:37.092 --> 00:35:37.455
But again,

946
00:35:37.475 --> 00:35:38.154
still praying,

947
00:35:38.275 --> 00:35:39.615
still making sure I do that.

948
00:35:39.916 --> 00:35:43.881
And before I went on this first date with my now wife,

949
00:35:44.678 --> 00:35:45.318
I remember praying.

950
00:35:45.319 --> 00:35:45.545
I'm like,

951
00:35:45.561 --> 00:35:45.678
hey,

952
00:35:45.764 --> 00:35:47.701
whatever you need

953
00:35:48.045 --> 00:35:50.647
Lauren on the other side for that is so important,

954
00:35:50.662 --> 00:35:51.990
that's more important than us.

955
00:35:52.162 --> 00:35:52.412
You know,

956
00:35:52.803 --> 00:35:54.725
kind of giving him jabs the whole time I'm praying.

957
00:35:55.084 --> 00:35:55.365
I'm like,

958
00:35:55.397 --> 00:35:56.365
whatever you got her over there,

959
00:35:56.490 --> 00:35:57.647
I'm calling in some PTO.

960
00:35:57.834 --> 00:36:00.662
And I want her to come with me because I don't trust my own.

961
00:36:01.057 --> 00:36:15.991
mental judgment on if this is someone that I should trust or not or or things like that if if this is something to pursue and yeah I want her to come with me and I want her to tell me if I should continue on with this or not and

962
00:36:16.030 --> 00:36:28.538
so I go on the date and we have a great time conversation's awesome and you know it goes good when you get to the end of your original plans but neither of you want to stop being together for a while so you kind of make up some extra stuff Thank you.

963
00:36:29.553 --> 00:36:31.716
And so like we ended up going to get some ice cream,

964
00:36:31.735 --> 00:36:31.995
you know,

965
00:36:32.015 --> 00:36:36.480
doing some extra stuff and spending more time than we planned together on that first date.

966
00:36:36.499 --> 00:36:37.542
And as she was driving away,

967
00:36:37.698 --> 00:36:38.042
I was like,

968
00:36:38.043 --> 00:36:38.144
well,

969
00:36:38.145 --> 00:36:38.745
that was fun.

970
00:36:39.183 --> 00:36:42.886
But then I kind of prayed a lot more talking to to my late wife,

971
00:36:42.948 --> 00:36:43.206
Lauren.

972
00:36:43.347 --> 00:36:43.987
And I was like,

973
00:36:43.988 --> 00:36:44.105
well,

974
00:36:44.128 --> 00:36:44.370
babe,

975
00:36:44.371 --> 00:36:44.886
what do you think?

976
00:36:45.191 --> 00:36:48.206
And the the feeling that I got just hit my chest,

977
00:36:48.253 --> 00:36:51.331
like went across my whole body and like kind of made me tear up a little.

978
00:36:51.332 --> 00:36:51.534
I was like,

979
00:36:51.535 --> 00:36:52.269
whoa,

980
00:36:52.394 --> 00:36:55.847
this was just just felt so much.

981
00:36:56.149 --> 00:36:56.590
love there.

982
00:36:56.710 --> 00:36:57.491
And it was more like,

983
00:36:57.831 --> 00:36:59.112
I felt like I got a confirmation.

984
00:36:59.413 --> 00:37:01.997
You can feel confident pursuing this.

985
00:37:02.516 --> 00:37:03.114
It's okay.

986
00:37:03.735 --> 00:37:05.114
Don't hold anything back here.

987
00:37:05.161 --> 00:37:06.497
It just gave me the confidence like,

988
00:37:06.536 --> 00:37:06.739
okay,

989
00:37:06.801 --> 00:37:12.192
I can feel comfortable moving forward with this if that is also reciprocated,

990
00:37:12.442 --> 00:37:12.645
right?

991
00:37:12.723 --> 00:37:12.911
Yeah.

992
00:37:13.130 --> 00:37:22.489
So then we planned another date and did a whole motorcycle ride up and through this canyon and introduce her to my family and hang out at the house for a bit and just kind of feel some things out.

993
00:37:22.490 --> 00:37:23.473
And after that second day,

994
00:37:23.833 --> 00:37:24.114
we're like,

995
00:37:24.161 --> 00:37:24.317
yeah,

996
00:37:24.318 --> 00:37:24.770
we really.

997
00:37:25.125 --> 00:37:25.786
want to do this.

998
00:37:26.086 --> 00:37:28.047
So then after that was like,

999
00:37:28.048 --> 00:37:28.367
all right,

1000
00:37:28.449 --> 00:37:33.293
I'm going to message these other women that I have conversations with right now and tell them respectfully,

1001
00:37:33.332 --> 00:37:34.434
I'm going to pursue this one.

1002
00:37:34.435 --> 00:37:34.637
And I,

1003
00:37:34.638 --> 00:37:36.613
I don't want to pursue any of this.

1004
00:37:37.317 --> 00:37:37.856
So that's,

1005
00:37:37.918 --> 00:37:38.817
that's how it started.

1006
00:37:38.840 --> 00:37:39.738
So in hindsight,

1007
00:37:39.777 --> 00:37:40.098
looking,

1008
00:37:40.160 --> 00:37:41.168
it happened very,

1009
00:37:41.309 --> 00:37:42.027
very fast.

1010
00:37:42.449 --> 00:37:45.262
My wife had passed away in early April and

1011
00:37:45.699 --> 00:37:48.871
I was now dating somebody else in August,

1012
00:37:49.293 --> 00:37:51.231
which was five months or something like that.

1013
00:37:51.465 --> 00:37:51.856
Five months.

1014
00:37:52.606 --> 00:37:53.387
And yeah,

1015
00:37:53.434 --> 00:37:53.559
I,

1016
00:37:53.861 --> 00:37:54.842
Didn't expect that.

1017
00:37:55.082 --> 00:37:55.443
However,

1018
00:37:55.603 --> 00:37:56.284
Lauren's parents,

1019
00:37:56.445 --> 00:37:58.144
and they're private people,

1020
00:37:58.187 --> 00:37:59.687
so I don't say their names or anything,

1021
00:37:59.706 --> 00:38:03.488
but I do have explicit permission from them to share one detail about their story,

1022
00:38:03.855 --> 00:38:08.378
is that my father-in-law lost his first wife when he was,

1023
00:38:08.738 --> 00:38:09.675
when they were in their 20s,

1024
00:38:09.676 --> 00:38:10.823
but they didn't have any children.

1025
00:38:12.214 --> 00:38:15.402
Through some medical complications that she had had throughout her whole life.

1026
00:38:15.495 --> 00:38:21.027
She was actually a conjoined twin and had to be separated surgically from her twin and her twin hadn't,

1027
00:38:21.402 --> 00:38:22.402
didn't survive.

1028
00:38:22.681 --> 00:38:26.405
And she had medical issues internally for a long time after that.

1029
00:38:26.425 --> 00:38:28.987
And it eventually took her life in her 20s.

1030
00:38:29.147 --> 00:38:32.393
But they had gotten remarried after she had passed away.

1031
00:38:32.714 --> 00:38:35.636
Maybe six or five or six months after she had passed away,

1032
00:38:35.675 --> 00:38:37.073
he remarried another woman.

1033
00:38:37.417 --> 00:38:38.956
And that is that is Lauren's mother.

1034
00:38:39.643 --> 00:38:39.878
And

1035
00:38:40.425 --> 00:38:41.425
Lauren's middle name,

1036
00:38:41.722 --> 00:38:44.425
if you saw the picture of the headstone on that reel,

1037
00:38:44.925 --> 00:38:46.269
if you pause and you look at her name,

1038
00:38:46.270 --> 00:38:47.925
her name's Lauren Connie Gordine.

1039
00:38:47.926 --> 00:38:51.065
And Connie was the name of my father-in-law's first wife.

1040
00:38:51.487 --> 00:38:52.112
That was...

1041
00:38:52.357 --> 00:38:53.499
where she got her middle name.

1042
00:38:53.840 --> 00:38:54.261
And so they,

1043
00:38:54.380 --> 00:38:54.620
you know,

1044
00:38:54.661 --> 00:38:54.802
they,

1045
00:38:55.122 --> 00:38:57.527
she's very big part of their family,

1046
00:38:57.585 --> 00:38:58.089
their story.

1047
00:38:58.226 --> 00:38:59.851
It's not something they just throw away.

1048
00:38:59.991 --> 00:39:00.327
They have,

1049
00:39:00.835 --> 00:39:03.179
they have three sets of grandparents on their side.

1050
00:39:03.195 --> 00:39:05.679
And now my kids are experiencing the same thing.

1051
00:39:06.085 --> 00:39:06.325
a very,

1052
00:39:06.525 --> 00:39:07.587
very similar situation.

1053
00:39:07.706 --> 00:39:09.108
So they,

1054
00:39:09.528 --> 00:39:11.851
having experienced something very similar,

1055
00:39:11.909 --> 00:39:13.433
with the exception of having a child,

1056
00:39:14.296 --> 00:39:18.015
but very similar situation were kind of role models for me.

1057
00:39:18.397 --> 00:39:18.577
And

1058
00:39:20.796 --> 00:39:28.929
I took a lot of conversations with my father-in-law because he's the only one that I knew kind of understood what I was going through a little bit.

1059
00:39:29.069 --> 00:39:34.647
But for him to be now on the other side of the table was rough for him and for them.

1060
00:39:34.757 --> 00:39:35.429
So they...

1061
00:39:35.945 --> 00:39:40.349
counseling with them and talking with them was a big part of that process.

1062
00:39:40.470 --> 00:39:48.814
And they were very involved with us and with our relationship and how we did things and even down to how we designed the headstone.

1063
00:39:50.322 --> 00:39:51.743
I ran a lot of things past them.

1064
00:39:52.079 --> 00:39:53.486
And how did you guys do it?

1065
00:39:53.487 --> 00:39:54.283
What was your experience?

1066
00:39:54.486 --> 00:39:55.142
These kinds of things.

1067
00:39:55.283 --> 00:39:56.423
So it was very involved,

1068
00:39:56.564 --> 00:39:59.845
which is not something I talk about on my Instagram,

1069
00:40:00.236 --> 00:40:00.454
right?

1070
00:40:00.736 --> 00:40:04.736
So when those disgusting comments come through of like,

1071
00:40:05.033 --> 00:40:05.193
Like,

1072
00:40:05.233 --> 00:40:06.913
I hope her family hates you forever.

1073
00:40:06.974 --> 00:40:07.093
And,

1074
00:40:07.134 --> 00:40:07.394
you know,

1075
00:40:07.773 --> 00:40:08.615
you don't even know.

1076
00:40:09.515 --> 00:40:09.894
Yeah.

1077
00:40:11.015 --> 00:40:13.152
Some people just like to troll.

1078
00:40:13.417 --> 00:40:15.019
And I think it's disgusting.

1079
00:40:15.214 --> 00:40:16.456
And I don't understand it.

1080
00:40:17.199 --> 00:40:23.183
I understand why there's a why that story can cause a reaction like this.

1081
00:40:23.339 --> 00:40:23.980
What the crap?

1082
00:40:25.730 --> 00:40:26.011
Because,

1083
00:40:26.042 --> 00:40:26.839
like we said before,

1084
00:40:27.511 --> 00:40:33.995
for those that have never been in a relationship with a with a widow or widower or those who haven't been widowed or.

1085
00:40:34.761 --> 00:40:35.382
something like that.

1086
00:40:35.682 --> 00:40:39.306
It's really hard to wrap your head around how you can,

1087
00:40:39.684 --> 00:40:44.349
you can have another emotional relationship or romantic relationship with somebody without,

1088
00:40:44.692 --> 00:40:46.114
without losing the other one without,

1089
00:40:46.270 --> 00:40:47.114
it doesn't replace,

1090
00:40:47.216 --> 00:40:47.372
right.

1091
00:40:47.373 --> 00:40:47.552
And we,

1092
00:40:47.553 --> 00:40:48.958
we already kind of talked about that and that's,

1093
00:40:48.959 --> 00:40:51.130
that's hard for people to wrap their mind around that have,

1094
00:40:51.411 --> 00:40:59.942
the only things they've experienced with another romantic relationship was because of breaking up with the other one and having to

1095
00:41:00.380 --> 00:41:01.020
Literally, like,

1096
00:41:01.161 --> 00:41:01.567
I'm no,

1097
00:41:01.770 --> 00:41:01.880
I'm...

1098
00:41:02.145 --> 00:41:06.170
intentionally not having this relationship so that I can have this one.

1099
00:41:06.470 --> 00:41:06.689
Yeah.

1100
00:41:06.908 --> 00:41:08.572
I have to get over this breakup.

1101
00:41:08.573 --> 00:41:12.033
I have to get over this divorce or whatever so I can focus on this one.

1102
00:41:12.353 --> 00:41:12.673
So yeah,

1103
00:41:12.736 --> 00:41:13.275
I get it.

1104
00:41:13.595 --> 00:41:15.056
That's why some people are like,

1105
00:41:15.057 --> 00:41:16.119
he must have been cheating.

1106
00:41:16.361 --> 00:41:20.900
There's no way he could have this relationship if he also had this one.

1107
00:41:21.150 --> 00:41:21.322
Yeah.

1108
00:41:22.431 --> 00:41:25.494
I'm not going to explain that to you because it's not going to make sense to you.

1109
00:41:25.931 --> 00:41:26.291
Yeah.

1110
00:41:26.292 --> 00:41:31.494
I'm just going to post it so that the people who need that are in this situation or need to see that.

1111
00:41:31.697 --> 00:41:34.120
they see that and those people never comment.

1112
00:41:34.659 --> 00:41:35.081
Those people,

1113
00:41:35.120 --> 00:41:35.843
if they do anything,

1114
00:41:35.882 --> 00:41:38.304
they send me direct messages and nobody ever sees what they say.

1115
00:41:38.886 --> 00:41:46.811
So you've mentioned a few times the LDS church and your faith in God.

1116
00:41:47.718 --> 00:41:49.858
I don't know enough about LDS.

1117
00:41:51.030 --> 00:41:51.936
As a Christian,

1118
00:41:52.171 --> 00:41:54.780
I've heard some of them believe that they're also Christian.

1119
00:41:54.921 --> 00:41:59.389
I've also heard Christians say that we kind of disagree on certain things.

1120
00:42:01.093 --> 00:42:06.038
I just want to know how instrumental in this whole thing was your faith.

1121
00:42:06.078 --> 00:42:11.785
I know you mentioned how you were angry with God and you had conversations.

1122
00:42:11.800 --> 00:42:14.410
And a lot of the stuff that you're saying is stuff that

1123
00:42:14.910 --> 00:42:16.566
I hear Christians say as well.

1124
00:42:16.706 --> 00:42:16.995
You know,

1125
00:42:17.027 --> 00:42:17.995
when bad things happen,

1126
00:42:18.011 --> 00:42:19.308
they get mad at God and they just,

1127
00:42:19.495 --> 00:42:22.308
they want him to be quiet and listen to their grievances.

1128
00:42:22.417 --> 00:42:22.589
Like,

1129
00:42:22.839 --> 00:42:28.277
I think maybe there are some differences in what we believe about God or about

1130
00:42:28.617 --> 00:42:28.897
heaven,

1131
00:42:28.997 --> 00:42:29.237
hell,

1132
00:42:29.357 --> 00:42:30.317
all those different things,

1133
00:42:30.378 --> 00:42:30.738
whatever.

1134
00:42:30.877 --> 00:42:32.299
I'm not going to get into all that.

1135
00:42:32.939 --> 00:42:33.158
Sure.

1136
00:42:33.537 --> 00:42:38.599
I just think that even despite whatever differences we may have in those avenues,

1137
00:42:38.857 --> 00:42:44.599
human beings are human beings and we have feelings and we all feel things along the same lines.

1138
00:42:44.600 --> 00:42:46.725
Because as you were talking about what you're feeling,

1139
00:42:46.818 --> 00:42:47.365
I get it.

1140
00:42:48.146 --> 00:42:48.506
And

1141
00:42:49.834 --> 00:42:55.381
I could understand why you were angry with God about what happened and how you're like,

1142
00:42:55.443 --> 00:42:55.709
really,

1143
00:42:55.803 --> 00:42:56.068
God?

1144
00:42:56.385 --> 00:42:59.368
How could you give me another woman who's got the same problem?

1145
00:42:59.407 --> 00:42:59.628
Like,

1146
00:43:00.208 --> 00:43:02.251
what kind of sick joke is that?

1147
00:43:02.411 --> 00:43:04.333
That's something I would have thought as well.

1148
00:43:04.572 --> 00:43:07.533
And I can relate to your story in a certain way as well,

1149
00:43:07.595 --> 00:43:09.095
because with my husband,

1150
00:43:09.439 --> 00:43:10.697
he's my third husband.

1151
00:43:11.040 --> 00:43:13.236
I was not always a good

1152
00:43:13.595 --> 00:43:16.189
Christian. I was not making smart choices.

1153
00:43:16.298 --> 00:43:18.501
I have two kids with two different fathers,

1154
00:43:18.829 --> 00:43:23.829
but they call him dad because he's been more of a dad to them than their dads have been.

1155
00:43:24.081 --> 00:43:27.184
Although my second husband is stepping up his game now,

1156
00:43:27.324 --> 00:43:32.953
and that's a whole different beast that you got to ride because he's involved and my husband's involved.

1157
00:43:32.969 --> 00:43:34.367
And that's just like a whole thing.

1158
00:43:34.852 --> 00:43:38.633
So I get what you were saying about blending the families together.

1159
00:43:39.375 --> 00:43:46.711
And it's beautiful when that can happen in a healthy way because the children matter in that situation.

1160
00:43:46.945 --> 00:43:53.508
And I think it's healthy for my son to see that his father and I can hang out in the same room and not want to kill each other.

1161
00:43:53.877 --> 00:43:54.318
But yeah,

1162
00:43:54.438 --> 00:43:56.320
like my kids know the situation.

1163
00:43:56.402 --> 00:43:58.266
So whenever he comes over to pick him up,

1164
00:43:58.344 --> 00:43:59.668
they'll say hi to him.

1165
00:44:00.086 --> 00:44:02.289
And I know you mentioned that they call her

1166
00:44:02.695 --> 00:44:03.938
Mommy Lauren as well,

1167
00:44:03.953 --> 00:44:05.656
which I think is absolutely beautiful.

1168
00:44:06.590 --> 00:44:07.350
And yeah,

1169
00:44:07.830 --> 00:44:11.870
it's just giving honor to the whole situation because whatever

1170
00:44:12.350 --> 00:44:14.432
God had planned through the pain,

1171
00:44:14.452 --> 00:44:15.092
the suffering,

1172
00:44:15.155 --> 00:44:18.936
he makes everything beautiful again in its own time,

1173
00:44:18.991 --> 00:44:20.194
in his own timing.

1174
00:44:20.889 --> 00:44:22.030
And we don't get it.

1175
00:44:22.577 --> 00:44:25.092
And it goes back to what you were saying about the comments.

1176
00:44:25.186 --> 00:44:26.733
If you're not in the situation,

1177
00:44:26.749 --> 00:44:29.139
if you've never been involved in that situation,

1178
00:44:29.639 --> 00:44:33.561
you aren't going to be able to get it from the perspective that you have.

1179
00:44:33.858 --> 00:44:34.983
My husband and I,

1180
00:44:35.030 --> 00:44:36.030
we got married.

1181
00:44:36.382 --> 00:44:39.105
very shortly after my divorce was final.

1182
00:44:39.304 --> 00:44:41.488
But I tried to save that second marriage.

1183
00:44:41.648 --> 00:44:42.410
And then in the end,

1184
00:44:42.429 --> 00:44:43.347
it just dissolved.

1185
00:44:43.648 --> 00:44:43.890
But

1186
00:44:45.214 --> 00:44:46.089
I met my husband,

1187
00:44:46.090 --> 00:44:48.316
I think like two months later at our church.

1188
00:44:49.034 --> 00:44:50.917
And we've been married 11 years now.

1189
00:44:50.956 --> 00:44:52.284
We have three kids together.

1190
00:44:52.660 --> 00:44:52.784
So,

1191
00:44:53.753 --> 00:44:54.003
I mean,

1192
00:44:54.160 --> 00:44:57.284
I owe everything that I have with him to who he is today.

1193
00:44:57.441 --> 00:44:59.378
I owe all of that to his first wife,

1194
00:44:59.410 --> 00:44:59.784
Julie.

1195
00:45:00.269 --> 00:45:03.644
I wouldn't have what I have if it wasn't for what happened to her and not.

1196
00:45:03.734 --> 00:45:06.337
that I wanted what happened to her to happen to her.

1197
00:45:06.597 --> 00:45:06.878
Right,

1198
00:45:06.937 --> 00:45:07.058
yeah.

1199
00:45:07.198 --> 00:45:07.478
But,

1200
00:45:07.819 --> 00:45:08.077
you know,

1201
00:45:08.218 --> 00:45:10.362
God has plans for what he's doing.

1202
00:45:10.620 --> 00:45:12.659
And yeah,

1203
00:45:12.745 --> 00:45:13.120
I just,

1204
00:45:13.347 --> 00:45:17.566
I think your story is absolutely beautiful and how you've risen from that.

1205
00:45:17.808 --> 00:45:19.026
And like I said,

1206
00:45:19.331 --> 00:45:21.792
despite whatever differences might be in our religion,

1207
00:45:21.870 --> 00:45:23.573
we're not here to debate those things.

1208
00:45:23.855 --> 00:45:29.855
I'm here to know who you are as a person and to get to understand your story and what you went through.

1209
00:45:30.834 --> 00:45:35.216
And despite whatever differences we may have in what our religions believe,

1210
00:45:35.478 --> 00:45:36.619
we are still people.

1211
00:45:37.080 --> 00:45:38.099
We can still relate.

1212
00:45:38.142 --> 00:45:40.787
And I absolutely relate to what you're going through.

1213
00:45:40.904 --> 00:45:41.724
Not completely,

1214
00:45:41.982 --> 00:45:42.529
obviously.

1215
00:45:42.709 --> 00:45:44.248
I wasn't the one who was widowed.

1216
00:45:44.568 --> 00:45:44.724
But

1217
00:45:45.365 --> 00:45:47.498
I get the feelings that you're going through.

1218
00:45:47.513 --> 00:45:55.795
And it gives me new perspective to help my husband through those moments where I just feel like he's ignoring me or maybe he's mad at me today.

1219
00:45:55.873 --> 00:45:57.138
And then I have to remind myself,

1220
00:45:57.216 --> 00:45:57.342
no,

1221
00:45:57.826 --> 00:45:58.560
this is me.

1222
00:45:58.904 --> 00:45:59.842
That's her day.

1223
00:46:01.098 --> 00:46:03.199
This is what that's bringing up for him.

1224
00:46:03.619 --> 00:46:04.720
It's not about you.

1225
00:46:05.138 --> 00:46:08.599
And you're giving me new perspective into how to respect that.

1226
00:46:09.357 --> 00:46:09.521
And

1227
00:46:10.037 --> 00:46:12.162
I've met parts of her family as well,

1228
00:46:12.240 --> 00:46:14.021
and they're very lovely people.

1229
00:46:14.263 --> 00:46:14.959
And yeah,

1230
00:46:15.623 --> 00:46:18.209
it's just beautiful the way God can redeem things.

1231
00:46:18.896 --> 00:46:19.318
And I just,

1232
00:46:19.459 --> 00:46:20.396
I love your story.

1233
00:46:20.865 --> 00:46:21.927
It's inspiring.

1234
00:46:21.990 --> 00:46:22.756
It's heartbreaking,

1235
00:46:22.880 --> 00:46:29.506
but it's encouraging as well to those who have been widowed and who may not see that there's.

1236
00:46:29.726 --> 00:46:31.127
a chance at love again.

1237
00:46:31.348 --> 00:46:33.932
There is and there shouldn't be guilt for that either.

1238
00:46:34.092 --> 00:46:36.533
If you're feeling like you need that or you want that,

1239
00:46:36.955 --> 00:46:38.736
you should not feel guilty for it.

1240
00:46:39.072 --> 00:46:40.799
And if someone makes you feel guilty,

1241
00:46:41.018 --> 00:46:42.361
then like you were saying,

1242
00:46:42.775 --> 00:46:47.260
they might not understand why you feel that need because they haven't been there before.

1243
00:46:47.478 --> 00:46:47.619
Yeah.

1244
00:46:48.338 --> 00:46:55.838
And I've also met some other people that have been widowed or have experienced loss of maybe a child or a parent or someone still close to them,

1245
00:46:56.119 --> 00:46:58.588
right that are still very bitter

1246
00:46:58.922 --> 00:47:03.981
and still have issues understanding the moving forward piece,

1247
00:47:04.005 --> 00:47:04.262
you know.

1248
00:47:05.344 --> 00:47:08.227
And when I have conversation with those people,

1249
00:47:09.243 --> 00:47:11.126
they don't have a relationship with Jesus.

1250
00:47:11.407 --> 00:47:12.188
At least not,

1251
00:47:12.688 --> 00:47:15.173
they've decided to not make that a priority.

1252
00:47:16.032 --> 00:47:17.313
And yeah,

1253
00:47:17.438 --> 00:47:19.641
as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

1254
00:47:19.704 --> 00:47:21.048
I'm an unapologetic Christian.

1255
00:47:21.126 --> 00:47:27.251
There's some other people who don't believe I'm a Christian because I believe that God and Jesus are technically two physically separate people.

1256
00:47:28.094 --> 00:47:28.251
but

1257
00:47:28.590 --> 00:47:29.612
part of the same Godhead.

1258
00:47:30.352 --> 00:47:31.752
And that's kind of where...

1259
00:47:33.194 --> 00:47:34.776
I guess you could say I'm not a credo Christian.

1260
00:47:34.936 --> 00:47:36.979
I don't follow the Nicene Creed Trinity,

1261
00:47:37.619 --> 00:47:38.158
but I still,

1262
00:47:38.822 --> 00:47:39.862
I worship God the Father.

1263
00:47:40.143 --> 00:47:41.940
I believe 100%

1264
00:47:42.080 --> 00:47:44.346
that Jesus Christ suffered and died on that cross for me.

1265
00:47:45.463 --> 00:47:47.072
And at the end of the day,

1266
00:47:47.744 --> 00:47:49.057
when I get to the other side and

1267
00:47:49.416 --> 00:47:50.698
I get to meet my wife again,

1268
00:47:51.119 --> 00:47:52.776
and I get to stand before Jesus,

1269
00:47:53.260 --> 00:47:54.635
if it turns out they are the same guy,

1270
00:47:55.322 --> 00:47:55.604
okay,

1271
00:47:55.854 --> 00:47:56.057
cool.

1272
00:47:56.276 --> 00:47:57.432
And then if they are separate,

1273
00:47:57.566 --> 00:48:01.729
I don't think that all the Christians that think that they are physically the same person are going to be like,

1274
00:48:01.811 --> 00:48:01.932
oh,

1275
00:48:01.971 --> 00:48:02.131
well,

1276
00:48:03.010 --> 00:48:06.373
you misunderstood some descriptions of us,

1277
00:48:06.397 --> 00:48:07.397
so you're going to hell now.

1278
00:48:07.459 --> 00:48:07.615
Like,

1279
00:48:08.014 --> 00:48:08.217
what?

1280
00:48:08.358 --> 00:48:13.483
That's not the God that I believe in that actually loves me and can experience mercy and,

1281
00:48:13.522 --> 00:48:13.787
you know,

1282
00:48:13.850 --> 00:48:14.600
those kinds of things.

1283
00:48:14.615 --> 00:48:15.381
I don't think that.

1284
00:48:16.350 --> 00:48:18.428
I just have an issue with people saying,

1285
00:48:18.444 --> 00:48:18.600
like,

1286
00:48:18.601 --> 00:48:20.412
if you don't understand God perfectly,

1287
00:48:20.490 --> 00:48:21.147
then you're going to hell.

1288
00:48:21.148 --> 00:48:21.365
I'm like,

1289
00:48:21.428 --> 00:48:21.584
well,

1290
00:48:21.756 --> 00:48:23.412
then I'll bet you're all going to hell.

1291
00:48:23.428 --> 00:48:23.537
I,

1292
00:48:23.538 --> 00:48:23.631
I.

1293
00:48:24.442 --> 00:48:25.562
Absolutely agree with you.

1294
00:48:25.563 --> 00:48:26.882
And I was just about to say that,

1295
00:48:26.963 --> 00:48:27.203
too,

1296
00:48:27.603 --> 00:48:29.761
that there's a lot of debate,

1297
00:48:30.004 --> 00:48:31.824
especially now going on within

1298
00:48:32.164 --> 00:48:33.183
Christian realms,

1299
00:48:33.222 --> 00:48:34.168
people who are like,

1300
00:48:34.207 --> 00:48:35.004
we're Christians,

1301
00:48:35.082 --> 00:48:37.746
but there's different versions or they think different things,

1302
00:48:37.761 --> 00:48:38.863
they believe different things.

1303
00:48:39.144 --> 00:48:42.230
Even within my version of Christianity,

1304
00:48:42.371 --> 00:48:42.980
Baptist,

1305
00:48:43.105 --> 00:48:43.980
non-denominational,

1306
00:48:44.027 --> 00:48:44.590
stuff like that,

1307
00:48:45.011 --> 00:48:47.011
there's people who disagree with certain things.

1308
00:48:47.043 --> 00:48:49.386
There's a hot debate going on right now about hell.

1309
00:48:49.870 --> 00:48:52.294
And what's the difference between that and who's right,

1310
00:48:52.335 --> 00:48:53.277
who's wrong in that?

1311
00:48:53.357 --> 00:48:53.976
And honestly,

1312
00:48:54.058 --> 00:48:54.480
it's like,

1313
00:48:55.460 --> 00:48:56.320
as a Christian,

1314
00:48:56.503 --> 00:49:00.128
you should be focused on helping people not want to go there.

1315
00:49:01.126 --> 00:49:05.506
Not not what kind of experience will they have once they get there?

1316
00:49:05.788 --> 00:49:06.225
Guess what?

1317
00:49:06.226 --> 00:49:08.967
When you get to the other side and the veil is taken off and we can see everything,

1318
00:49:09.049 --> 00:49:10.987
then there's going to be a lot of things that make sense.

1319
00:49:10.988 --> 00:49:11.245
And I

1320
00:49:11.924 --> 00:49:16.229
I bet you money there's not going to be a single one of us that says this is exactly how I saw it.

1321
00:49:16.846 --> 00:49:17.964
This is 100 percent.

1322
00:49:18.057 --> 00:49:19.495
I had this right the whole time.

1323
00:49:19.776 --> 00:49:20.010
You know,

1324
00:49:21.245 --> 00:49:22.495
I don't think that's going to happen.

1325
00:49:22.510 --> 00:49:26.135
I think we're all going to be quite blown away by what the eternities are actually like.

1326
00:49:26.276 --> 00:49:26.729
You know what I mean?

1327
00:49:27.010 --> 00:49:27.229
Yeah.

1328
00:49:27.510 --> 00:49:29.979
It is only in and through.

1329
00:49:30.358 --> 00:49:33.558
Jesus Christ that we're able to even have that hope.

1330
00:49:34.218 --> 00:49:35.718
It is through him and only him.

1331
00:49:35.738 --> 00:49:38.019
It's the only way we make it is because of his,

1332
00:49:38.316 --> 00:49:38.543
right?

1333
00:49:39.261 --> 00:49:43.082
And that's what we had to lean on as a family.

1334
00:49:43.083 --> 00:49:44.699
That's what I had to lean on that

1335
00:49:45.285 --> 00:49:45.543
I'm like,

1336
00:49:45.558 --> 00:49:45.918
you know what?

1337
00:49:45.980 --> 00:49:49.535
There is absolutely nothing I can do to earn any type of,

1338
00:49:49.816 --> 00:49:50.207
I guess,

1339
00:49:50.660 --> 00:49:54.504
grace in this situation and just in general in life.

1340
00:49:54.676 --> 00:49:55.550
There's nothing I...

1341
00:49:56.582 --> 00:49:58.184
I am a fallen person,

1342
00:49:58.224 --> 00:50:02.628
and it is quite obvious because of this anger that I'm having towards God that I am not perfect.

1343
00:50:03.269 --> 00:50:05.093
And anybody else would tell me,

1344
00:50:05.148 --> 00:50:05.273
well,

1345
00:50:05.351 --> 00:50:05.890
good riddance.

1346
00:50:05.891 --> 00:50:07.273
Go figure it out on your own then,

1347
00:50:07.515 --> 00:50:07.694
sir,

1348
00:50:08.054 --> 00:50:10.554
if you don't want my help.

1349
00:50:10.555 --> 00:50:11.577
Because

1350
00:50:11.976 --> 00:50:13.585
I was kind of in that time for a while.

1351
00:50:13.586 --> 00:50:14.741
I was telling him to leave me alone.

1352
00:50:14.913 --> 00:50:15.179
You know,

1353
00:50:15.180 --> 00:50:15.523
I was like,

1354
00:50:15.538 --> 00:50:17.101
you obviously don't care about it.

1355
00:50:17.102 --> 00:50:17.304
You know,

1356
00:50:17.429 --> 00:50:18.070
obviously he does.

1357
00:50:18.148 --> 00:50:20.929
But in the moment when you're in deep one,

1358
00:50:20.944 --> 00:50:22.601
it feels like you've been dropped in this pit.

1359
00:50:22.663 --> 00:50:22.976
Yeah.

1360
00:50:23.694 --> 00:50:23.835
Yeah.

1361
00:50:24.070 --> 00:50:24.194
I

1362
00:50:24.858 --> 00:50:24.978
So,

1363
00:50:25.078 --> 00:50:25.719
yeah,

1364
00:50:25.799 --> 00:50:26.419
that's where it is.

1365
00:50:26.600 --> 00:50:30.564
And now what I've taken from that experience,

1366
00:50:31.044 --> 00:50:35.728
and another thing I didn't even talk about was I had to completely change careers because I couldn't do the sales thing anymore.

1367
00:50:35.892 --> 00:50:36.173
Like I said,

1368
00:50:36.189 --> 00:50:37.251
I was making plenty of money,

1369
00:50:38.134 --> 00:50:40.634
but that also relied on me being very mentally sharp,

1370
00:50:41.329 --> 00:50:41.532
right?

1371
00:50:41.798 --> 00:50:41.907
And

1372
00:50:43.282 --> 00:50:48.345
I could do the sales thing very effectively and I could build and nurture relationships and those kinds of things.

1373
00:50:48.360 --> 00:50:54.001
And now relationships and making emotional connections with other people is a very key part of being a successful salesman.

1374
00:50:54.346 --> 00:50:56.509
actually having authentic relationships with people,

1375
00:50:56.890 --> 00:51:02.214
then this happens and that kind of gets my capability to do that gets severely damaged.

1376
00:51:02.417 --> 00:51:02.534
And

1377
00:51:03.175 --> 00:51:03.917
I couldn't do that.

1378
00:51:03.956 --> 00:51:06.300
So it was no wonder that my sales career kind of fell apart.

1379
00:51:06.378 --> 00:51:07.503
And I had to like,

1380
00:51:08.323 --> 00:51:12.456
I felt like that was a whole other piece of my identity was success in my career.

1381
00:51:12.737 --> 00:51:13.347
As a man,

1382
00:51:13.644 --> 00:51:17.425
I feel very passionate about protecting and providing for my family.

1383
00:51:17.768 --> 00:51:19.815
And a huge key part of that is financially,

1384
00:51:20.034 --> 00:51:20.253
right?

1385
00:51:20.254 --> 00:51:23.581
And that was something that I was proud of and something that was a really big.

1386
00:51:23.710 --> 00:51:24.170
piece of me.

1387
00:51:24.570 --> 00:51:27.252
So then to lose the capability of doing that,

1388
00:51:27.550 --> 00:51:28.232
I felt like,

1389
00:51:28.252 --> 00:51:28.392
well,

1390
00:51:28.412 --> 00:51:31.572
that was just another piece of me that got ripped away through this situation,

1391
00:51:31.650 --> 00:51:31.916
you know?

1392
00:51:32.009 --> 00:51:33.869
So just another thing to be mad about.

1393
00:51:34.033 --> 00:51:36.689
And I had to decide I got to change careers entirely.

1394
00:51:36.690 --> 00:51:43.181
And I went into the trades and I got into HVAC and refrigeration because I just want to have a job where I don't have to talk to people,

1395
00:51:43.197 --> 00:51:44.291
but I can still make good money.

1396
00:51:44.478 --> 00:51:44.712
So I...

1397
00:51:45.626 --> 00:51:47.648
That's my day job right now that I still go do.

1398
00:51:47.709 --> 00:51:49.371
I still go fix commercial kitchen equipment.

1399
00:51:49.372 --> 00:51:50.934
I fix McDonald's ice cream machine.

1400
00:51:51.351 --> 00:51:52.453
Nice.

1401
00:51:52.555 --> 00:51:54.277
Those things are always going down.

1402
00:51:54.637 --> 00:51:55.816
Or are they?

1403
00:51:55.840 --> 00:51:57.277
Maybe they just don't want to use them.

1404
00:51:57.535 --> 00:51:58.035
I was going to say,

1405
00:51:58.598 --> 00:52:01.402
you want to do a whole other podcast episode on the McDonald's ice cream machine,

1406
00:52:01.418 --> 00:52:02.996
I can give you the whole lowdown on that.

1407
00:52:02.997 --> 00:52:03.949
The short answer is no,

1408
00:52:04.105 --> 00:52:05.027
it's not down room.

1409
00:52:05.121 --> 00:52:06.965
They knew it.

1410
00:52:07.074 --> 00:52:07.246
But

1411
00:52:09.793 --> 00:52:13.652
I had to pivot and go down an entirely new life path.

1412
00:52:13.855 --> 00:52:14.371
But I

1413
00:52:14.602 --> 00:52:22.029
I learned to apply the same tenacity that I did in the sales that I really learned in my childhood growing up in a cattle ranch on work ethic,

1414
00:52:22.369 --> 00:52:22.654
you know,

1415
00:52:22.834 --> 00:52:24.052
and applied the same tenacity.

1416
00:52:24.053 --> 00:52:25.412
I'm just going to outwork everybody,

1417
00:52:25.670 --> 00:52:31.216
but also found out that work ethic alone wasn't enough and that there was there were some other things I had to work on.

1418
00:52:31.544 --> 00:52:33.779
And I became very successful at that very quickly.

1419
00:52:34.107 --> 00:52:39.373
And I started being the guy that they would send all the new guys with because he was really good at training.

1420
00:52:39.685 --> 00:52:39.810
I,

1421
00:52:40.013 --> 00:52:40.248
you know,

1422
00:52:40.249 --> 00:52:40.373
I.

1423
00:52:40.666 --> 00:52:44.229
I still had the communication skills and the teaching skills that I had in the sales,

1424
00:52:44.290 --> 00:52:47.372
but now it was being used more in a training role.

1425
00:52:47.672 --> 00:52:57.215
And I quickly learned through training the new guys on the job that there were masks that we wear,

1426
00:52:58.090 --> 00:52:59.106
just in general people,

1427
00:52:59.309 --> 00:53:04.934
personas that we put on that we want the world to see that sometimes maybe we don't actually believe ourselves deep down.

1428
00:53:05.965 --> 00:53:10.278
And those stem from the wounds that we have from earlier in life.

1429
00:53:10.418 --> 00:53:11.539
emotional wounds that we have.

1430
00:53:11.799 --> 00:53:15.221
And if we don't understand how to work through those,

1431
00:53:15.222 --> 00:53:16.443
or we consciously choose not to,

1432
00:53:16.783 --> 00:53:19.791
then we kind of put on this persona to hide it.

1433
00:53:20.190 --> 00:53:20.432
You know,

1434
00:53:20.807 --> 00:53:24.471
we hide those things that are wrong with us inside instead of working on them.

1435
00:53:24.533 --> 00:53:31.635
And I discovered that that was not unique to me because I had to do a lot of work to figure that out for myself.

1436
00:53:31.854 --> 00:53:35.307
When I was in the middle of going through the therapy and changing my careers and all that,

1437
00:53:36.010 --> 00:53:39.682
I figured out what some of my older wounds were and had to really figure those out.

1438
00:53:40.735 --> 00:53:48.040
and work on those so that I could actually show up authentically for another relationship and authentically for starting a new career.

1439
00:53:48.345 --> 00:53:53.626
And when I'm training these other young adult men and they're wondering like,

1440
00:53:53.931 --> 00:53:56.470
why am I not progressing as fast as you did?

1441
00:53:56.548 --> 00:53:59.470
They didn't because they couldn't show up authentically.

1442
00:53:59.813 --> 00:54:04.516
So they couldn't actually put their full self into the work and to actually learning.

1443
00:54:05.376 --> 00:54:08.407
And I discovered that these guys were having a hard time actually

1444
00:54:09.917 --> 00:54:10.237
I guess,

1445
00:54:10.377 --> 00:54:12.460
assimilating new information and learning,

1446
00:54:12.819 --> 00:54:15.483
really learning the material behind why we're,

1447
00:54:15.484 --> 00:54:18.448
because we're having a conversation about thermodynamics and electricity and,

1448
00:54:18.449 --> 00:54:18.769
you know,

1449
00:54:18.808 --> 00:54:21.667
like theory of how these things work so they can troubleshoot this stuff.

1450
00:54:21.886 --> 00:54:23.050
They're having trouble learning it.

1451
00:54:23.128 --> 00:54:24.550
And as I'm having conversation with them,

1452
00:54:24.551 --> 00:54:33.745
I'm realizing it's because the information is having to get through multiple layers of a fake persona before it actually hits them to where they can actually latch onto it.

1453
00:54:34.136 --> 00:54:38.026
Because they're telling me what they think I want to hear.

1454
00:54:38.865 --> 00:54:40.706
Rather than actually focusing on learning.

1455
00:54:41.027 --> 00:54:41.507
You know what I mean?

1456
00:54:41.828 --> 00:54:42.009
Yeah.

1457
00:54:43.810 --> 00:54:45.013
And this was consistent.

1458
00:54:45.052 --> 00:54:46.251
It happened in different ways.

1459
00:54:46.252 --> 00:54:46.431
You know,

1460
00:54:46.451 --> 00:54:47.677
every guy's a little different.

1461
00:54:47.771 --> 00:54:50.576
But there were layers to this with everybody that I had trained.

1462
00:54:50.818 --> 00:54:52.201
And some guys worse than others.

1463
00:54:52.779 --> 00:55:02.810
And what starts as just like on the job technical training quickly turned into like accidental life coaching.

1464
00:55:03.873 --> 00:55:04.966
Because they...

1465
00:55:05.661 --> 00:55:06.182
I would start,

1466
00:55:06.202 --> 00:55:08.825
I remember one particular conversation I had with a guy we were driving.

1467
00:55:09.064 --> 00:55:10.486
We had a job about two hours away.

1468
00:55:11.029 --> 00:55:12.169
And so we got a long drive.

1469
00:55:12.568 --> 00:55:15.708
And after spending a couple of weeks with this guy,

1470
00:55:15.888 --> 00:55:20.755
I'm starting to be able to read him a lot better and have some assumptions about how he grew up and things.

1471
00:55:21.239 --> 00:55:21.763
And I asked him,

1472
00:55:21.764 --> 00:55:21.997
I said,

1473
00:55:22.013 --> 00:55:22.138
hey,

1474
00:55:22.185 --> 00:55:22.560
I want to,

1475
00:55:23.591 --> 00:55:26.200
I want to make some assumptions about you and your,

1476
00:55:26.341 --> 00:55:28.138
your life and what your family life is like.

1477
00:55:28.169 --> 00:55:29.279
I want you to tell me if I'm right or not.

1478
00:55:29.591 --> 00:55:30.903
And I made a couple of,

1479
00:55:31.622 --> 00:55:31.747
I,

1480
00:55:33.122 --> 00:55:33.310
what.

1481
00:55:33.625 --> 00:55:35.186
Probably sounded like wild guesses,

1482
00:55:35.227 --> 00:55:36.288
but they were almost all right.

1483
00:55:36.289 --> 00:55:36.768
And the dude's like,

1484
00:55:36.769 --> 00:55:37.971
how the hell do you know that?

1485
00:55:37.972 --> 00:55:39.049
I'm like,

1486
00:55:39.670 --> 00:55:41.452
because I experienced some of the same things,

1487
00:55:41.495 --> 00:55:44.417
but I can read it just in how you're behaving and how you're showing up.

1488
00:55:45.159 --> 00:55:46.995
And I can see where this is kind of coming from.

1489
00:55:47.799 --> 00:55:50.846
And that was what led me into,

1490
00:55:51.346 --> 00:55:51.690
I was like,

1491
00:55:52.362 --> 00:55:54.721
there's something here that I can,

1492
00:55:55.565 --> 00:56:03.159
there's something that I've learned on how I went through building my life in the first place to get to where I was successful in the sales career.

1493
00:56:03.409 --> 00:56:05.370
that like I obviously did something right there.

1494
00:56:05.950 --> 00:56:08.071
But then when I lost everything,

1495
00:56:08.091 --> 00:56:09.970
I had to overhaul my entire life,

1496
00:56:10.110 --> 00:56:14.274
overhaul myself and became very successful in a completely different career.

1497
00:56:15.931 --> 00:56:16.634
After these guys were like,

1498
00:56:16.673 --> 00:56:17.595
how did you do that?

1499
00:56:17.829 --> 00:56:19.149
And having a lot of those conversations,

1500
00:56:19.150 --> 00:56:19.860
like how did you do that?

1501
00:56:19.876 --> 00:56:20.548
How did you do this?

1502
00:56:21.329 --> 00:56:23.673
Realized that there was kind of a process that

1503
00:56:24.251 --> 00:56:26.110
I followed without really knowing it.

1504
00:56:27.157 --> 00:56:29.860
But I could go back and see that I applied the same

1505
00:56:31.621 --> 00:56:38.308
I applied many of the same things to the new part of my life as I did the old with a couple of caveats,

1506
00:56:38.526 --> 00:56:38.667
right?

1507
00:56:38.668 --> 00:56:39.390
A couple of shifts,

1508
00:56:39.391 --> 00:56:40.229
a couple of changes.

1509
00:56:41.073 --> 00:56:41.948
And that's when

1510
00:56:42.511 --> 00:56:44.175
I got told by multiple people,

1511
00:56:44.214 --> 00:56:44.354
like,

1512
00:56:44.355 --> 00:56:45.011
you need to write a book.

1513
00:56:45.417 --> 00:56:46.839
You should put this in the book.

1514
00:56:46.840 --> 00:56:48.003
So that's what I ended up doing.

1515
00:56:48.004 --> 00:56:48.284
I'm like,

1516
00:56:48.315 --> 00:56:48.440
hey,

1517
00:56:48.519 --> 00:56:49.065
maybe you're right.

1518
00:56:49.097 --> 00:56:49.393
Okay,

1519
00:56:49.425 --> 00:56:50.487
I'll try writing a book.

1520
00:56:50.534 --> 00:56:51.440
So I did.

1521
00:56:51.456 --> 00:56:52.987
I wrote a book and published it.

1522
00:56:53.019 --> 00:56:54.159
And that's called The Overhaul.

1523
00:56:54.503 --> 00:56:54.659
And

1524
00:56:57.003 --> 00:56:58.300
I'm pretty proud of that one.

1525
00:57:00.197 --> 00:57:00.377
Now,

1526
00:57:00.437 --> 00:57:00.917
looking back,

1527
00:57:00.957 --> 00:57:02.417
there's some things I would change about it.

1528
00:57:03.977 --> 00:57:04.677
As authors,

1529
00:57:04.720 --> 00:57:06.259
I think we're all in that boat.

1530
00:57:06.778 --> 00:57:08.575
I've published three books and I'm like,

1531
00:57:08.661 --> 00:57:10.036
I should have done this better.

1532
00:57:10.559 --> 00:57:10.739
Yeah,

1533
00:57:10.880 --> 00:57:11.559
I'm already like,

1534
00:57:11.560 --> 00:57:13.942
I need to write it.

1535
00:57:13.958 --> 00:57:15.239
I'm only going to write one,

1536
00:57:15.278 --> 00:57:17.263
but now I might need to write another one.

1537
00:57:17.559 --> 00:57:17.716
Yeah.

1538
00:57:18.075 --> 00:57:18.216
Yeah.

1539
00:57:18.325 --> 00:57:19.919
So that turned into,

1540
00:57:20.419 --> 00:57:20.575
well,

1541
00:57:21.122 --> 00:57:22.888
now I go around and I speak to schools.

1542
00:57:23.200 --> 00:57:24.138
I speak to high school kids.

1543
00:57:24.247 --> 00:57:25.185
I speak to universities.

1544
00:57:25.200 --> 00:57:26.622
I got flown out to Tennessee.

1545
00:57:26.965 --> 00:57:31.187
to speak at Lincoln Memorial University to veterinary science students of all people.

1546
00:57:31.289 --> 00:57:31.590
I'm like,

1547
00:57:32.230 --> 00:57:32.832
I'm not a vet.

1548
00:57:33.871 --> 00:57:34.933
You worked on a firm,

1549
00:57:34.992 --> 00:57:36.195
so you must know something.

1550
00:57:36.515 --> 00:57:36.937
Yeah,

1551
00:57:37.015 --> 00:57:37.976
there was a little bit of it,

1552
00:57:37.977 --> 00:57:38.179
you know,

1553
00:57:39.218 --> 00:57:40.140
probably a little bit more.

1554
00:57:40.718 --> 00:57:41.476
But actually,

1555
00:57:41.718 --> 00:57:43.867
so the reason that they hired me to go out there,

1556
00:57:43.868 --> 00:57:44.789
there was a connection there.

1557
00:57:46.601 --> 00:57:52.351
This guy was the chapter president of the Veterinary Business Management Association at the school.

1558
00:57:53.367 --> 00:57:55.554
And his wife went to high school with me.

1559
00:57:55.929 --> 00:57:56.990
I didn't know her super well,

1560
00:57:56.991 --> 00:57:58.191
but we were just acquaintances.

1561
00:57:58.192 --> 00:58:00.713
And she had kind of been following just from the back of the house.

1562
00:58:00.732 --> 00:58:04.314
She immediately kind of seen how it was going and that I was starting to do this kind of stuff.

1563
00:58:04.353 --> 00:58:08.978
And so they needed a speaker for an event they were having out there for these veterinary science students.

1564
00:58:09.025 --> 00:58:09.283
She's like,

1565
00:58:09.284 --> 00:58:10.103
you should call this guy.

1566
00:58:10.142 --> 00:58:11.400
So they called me and we talked to him.

1567
00:58:12.244 --> 00:58:13.713
And in the conversation,

1568
00:58:13.714 --> 00:58:13.885
I'm like,

1569
00:58:14.088 --> 00:58:14.666
well,

1570
00:58:14.947 --> 00:58:16.244
what is it that you want to accomplish?

1571
00:58:16.291 --> 00:58:17.353
What's the goal here?

1572
00:58:18.135 --> 00:58:19.057
And it was,

1573
00:58:19.119 --> 00:58:19.244
well,

1574
00:58:19.635 --> 00:58:19.869
he's like,

1575
00:58:19.900 --> 00:58:21.572
I think you can help these guys because

1576
00:58:22.222 --> 00:58:24.223
They're all super highly motivated,

1577
00:58:24.264 --> 00:58:25.606
high performing people.

1578
00:58:25.766 --> 00:58:26.006
You know,

1579
00:58:26.067 --> 00:58:34.711
most of them in their late 20s at this point as they're finishing their veterinary science degrees and getting ready to go into their clinicals and actually hit the ground running in their careers.

1580
00:58:35.016 --> 00:58:38.711
And they've all been told their whole life that they're going to make good money.

1581
00:58:39.071 --> 00:58:43.961
But that also involves probably some business skills and some other things of running a practice.

1582
00:58:43.977 --> 00:58:44.461
And he says,

1583
00:58:44.524 --> 00:58:44.883
honestly,

1584
00:58:45.446 --> 00:58:48.227
they're all scared to death because their whole life has been school.

1585
00:58:48.305 --> 00:58:50.196
And now it's like they're jumping off of a cliff.

1586
00:58:50.658 --> 00:58:54.319
into the life of the career and the anxiety is through the roof.

1587
00:58:54.538 --> 00:58:57.198
And I think maybe obviously you're not a vet,

1588
00:58:57.561 --> 00:58:58.940
but you could maybe speak to that.

1589
00:58:59.440 --> 00:58:59.760
I'm like,

1590
00:58:59.901 --> 00:59:00.182
oh yeah,

1591
00:59:00.362 --> 00:59:02.182
I can do the whole life overhaul,

1592
00:59:02.299 --> 00:59:02.784
big new,

1593
00:59:03.245 --> 00:59:04.338
feels like you're on the edge of a cliff.

1594
00:59:04.377 --> 00:59:05.643
You just have to jump kind of a thing.

1595
00:59:05.682 --> 00:59:05.823
Yeah,

1596
00:59:05.824 --> 00:59:06.721
we can talk about that.

1597
00:59:07.284 --> 00:59:09.268
And that was the first time that I gave something,

1598
00:59:10.284 --> 00:59:17.049
gave a keynote speech on that kind of a thing to a group that you would think I have nothing to relate to these people with,

1599
00:59:17.284 --> 00:59:19.237
but it went amazingly well.

1600
00:59:19.426 --> 00:59:20.227
And so that was another thing.

1601
00:59:20.228 --> 00:59:20.488
I'm like,

1602
00:59:20.687 --> 00:59:20.988
okay,

1603
00:59:21.048 --> 00:59:22.308
there's something to this too.

1604
00:59:22.628 --> 00:59:23.851
And now fast forward,

1605
00:59:23.852 --> 00:59:29.034
I've developed a whole success system for reprogramming the subconscious for high school kids.

1606
00:59:29.394 --> 00:59:34.261
And when schools are like having a bunch of behavioral issues or absenteeism,

1607
00:59:34.644 --> 00:59:35.730
kids just checking out,

1608
00:59:35.886 --> 00:59:36.527
not caring.

1609
00:59:36.948 --> 00:59:40.089
I went and spoke to a couple of schools and was talking to kids.

1610
00:59:40.183 --> 00:59:42.870
They were all dealing with the same things that I was dealing with.

1611
00:59:43.642 --> 00:59:45.482
not knowing what my future looked like.

1612
00:59:45.523 --> 00:59:46.302
And because of that,

1613
00:59:46.343 --> 00:59:50.304
my anxiety goes through the roof and then I don't have any motivation to do anything because I don't know what to do.

1614
00:59:50.664 --> 00:59:52.027
And I'm just too scared to figure it out.

1615
00:59:52.480 --> 00:59:53.707
So then that turned into the whole,

1616
00:59:54.027 --> 01:00:00.152
now I go to high schools and school districts and I have this whole like journaling system that they implement to start getting to think like,

1617
01:00:00.183 --> 01:00:04.746
what are the lies I believe about myself and how can I reprogram those into something I would rather believe in?

1618
01:00:05.527 --> 01:00:06.183
It's just turned in,

1619
01:00:06.590 --> 01:00:07.340
like I would never,

1620
01:00:07.714 --> 01:00:09.808
if you would have asked me a few years ago,

1621
01:00:09.933 --> 01:00:11.402
if this is what I would be doing with my life,

1622
01:00:12.043 --> 01:00:12.590
I would have said that.

1623
01:00:12.810 --> 01:00:13.511
Absolutely not.

1624
01:00:13.891 --> 01:00:27.064
I never would have believed that I would be going to all these schools and even some other companies that just feel like they're younger employees that are supposed to be their future leaders.

1625
01:00:27.283 --> 01:00:27.923
There's a disconnect.

1626
01:00:27.986 --> 01:00:31.806
They're scared to death or we need to do something for these guys and help their work ethic.

1627
01:00:31.822 --> 01:00:35.697
That's usually what when I talk to somebody like the work ethic of these guys sucks.

1628
01:00:35.698 --> 01:00:36.009
I'm like,

1629
01:00:36.338 --> 01:00:36.619
maybe.

1630
01:00:37.056 --> 01:00:38.353
There's probably more there.

1631
01:00:38.962 --> 01:00:39.119
Yeah,

1632
01:00:39.181 --> 01:00:40.041
there's probably more there.

1633
01:00:40.042 --> 01:00:42.431
And that's usually what we end up what we end up finding out.

1634
01:00:44.470 --> 01:00:46.450
It all stems from what I learned through that process.

1635
01:00:47.651 --> 01:00:50.131
And it's a,

1636
01:00:50.432 --> 01:00:51.588
God can do so many,

1637
01:00:53.010 --> 01:00:56.151
God could do anything with you that you'll let him do.

1638
01:00:56.596 --> 01:00:56.729
Yep,

1639
01:00:56.932 --> 01:00:57.252
I agree.

1640
01:00:57.534 --> 01:01:01.081
It's very inspirational that you're able to help young men now.

1641
01:01:01.378 --> 01:01:08.643
They are the future and they need to have that peace knowing that they can jump into their futures.

1642
01:01:09.534 --> 01:01:10.518
And yeah,

1643
01:01:10.690 --> 01:01:12.284
anxiety is very crippling.

1644
01:01:12.606 --> 01:01:13.647
for a lot of people.

1645
01:01:13.887 --> 01:01:19.171
And that's probably where a lot of different behavioral issues start is because of anxiety.

1646
01:01:19.312 --> 01:01:21.777
So if you can tackle that and get rid of that,

1647
01:01:22.019 --> 01:01:24.675
then the behavioral issues will probably go away.

1648
01:01:24.777 --> 01:01:26.160
The focus will be there,

1649
01:01:26.277 --> 01:01:27.418
the determination,

1650
01:01:27.597 --> 01:01:28.464
all those things.

1651
01:01:28.504 --> 01:01:28.738
I mean,

1652
01:01:30.691 --> 01:01:36.050
there's jokes that men can compartmentalize or they can literally think about nothing.

1653
01:01:36.472 --> 01:01:39.894
But I think they're also thinking about things too.

1654
01:01:40.254 --> 01:01:40.488
You know,

1655
01:01:40.566 --> 01:01:41.191
like you said,

1656
01:01:41.510 --> 01:01:51.403
Being a provider means financially being a provider and you were concerned about how you were going to do that with the current job you had and you needed to make a change.

1657
01:01:51.762 --> 01:01:53.239
That was in the back of your mind.

1658
01:01:53.302 --> 01:01:56.083
Even if you were having a moment where you were probably thinking about nothing,

1659
01:01:56.208 --> 01:01:59.809
it's still in the back of your mind that this is what I need to do.

1660
01:01:59.903 --> 01:02:00.825
This is my role.

1661
01:02:01.091 --> 01:02:02.169
I need to do this.

1662
01:02:02.466 --> 01:02:07.278
And I think sometimes we dismiss the young men because what do they have to be worried about?

1663
01:02:07.372 --> 01:02:08.169
They're still young.

1664
01:02:08.403 --> 01:02:10.122
They have their whole lives ahead of them.

1665
01:02:10.310 --> 01:02:11.531
We tell them these things,

1666
01:02:11.551 --> 01:02:15.895
but that's what they're about because they don't know what to do with it.

1667
01:02:16.016 --> 01:02:16.234
Yeah.

1668
01:02:16.414 --> 01:02:18.359
And I don't think we think about it that way.

1669
01:02:18.734 --> 01:02:21.062
We just say these things because we think they're encouraging.

1670
01:02:21.141 --> 01:02:27.734
But I think it's making them more stressed out because they realize they have their whole future and they don't know what to do with it.

1671
01:02:27.891 --> 01:02:29.781
So it's great that you can speak into that.

1672
01:02:30.391 --> 01:02:31.844
There's a scripture that

1673
01:02:32.594 --> 01:02:36.812
I usually share if I'm able to when I go speak somewhere.

1674
01:02:36.844 --> 01:02:37.094
You know,

1675
01:02:37.156 --> 01:02:39.641
some people like don't do anything religious in here.

1676
01:02:39.844 --> 01:02:39.984
But

1677
01:02:40.210 --> 01:02:40.931
Every once in a while,

1678
01:02:41.111 --> 01:02:42.652
I get a little bit of leeway that I can.

1679
01:02:42.692 --> 01:02:43.594
And if I can,

1680
01:02:43.652 --> 01:02:44.996
I always share James 1,

1681
01:02:45.094 --> 01:02:46.235
5 and 6.

1682
01:02:46.797 --> 01:02:47.758
If any of you lack wisdom,

1683
01:02:47.797 --> 01:02:48.621
let him ask of God.

1684
01:02:50.059 --> 01:02:57.340
And the next verse after that is the thing that clarifies how you'll get what you want.

1685
01:02:57.574 --> 01:02:58.090
And James says,

1686
01:02:58.121 --> 01:02:59.184
but let him ask in faith,

1687
01:02:59.309 --> 01:03:00.152
nothing wavering.

1688
01:03:01.387 --> 01:03:01.684
And then,

1689
01:03:01.871 --> 01:03:02.090
you know,

1690
01:03:02.091 --> 01:03:05.074
that was kind of like the condition on that,

1691
01:03:05.168 --> 01:03:05.402
right?

1692
01:03:05.496 --> 01:03:05.652
Yeah.

1693
01:03:05.840 --> 01:03:06.090
It's like,

1694
01:03:06.121 --> 01:03:06.340
well,

1695
01:03:06.715 --> 01:03:07.496
how do you not waver?

1696
01:03:07.497 --> 01:03:09.074
Because if you're feeling anxiety about it,

1697
01:03:09.106 --> 01:03:09.715
you're wavering.

1698
01:03:10.318 --> 01:03:10.538
Right?

1699
01:03:11.019 --> 01:03:12.380
So is God just telling,

1700
01:03:12.501 --> 01:03:13.321
is James just saying,

1701
01:03:13.341 --> 01:03:13.462
well,

1702
01:03:13.463 --> 01:03:14.581
you can't be anxious about it.

1703
01:03:14.600 --> 01:03:14.765
Like,

1704
01:03:15.784 --> 01:03:16.643
good luck with that.

1705
01:03:16.706 --> 01:03:16.983
You know?

1706
01:03:18.007 --> 01:03:18.429
I was like,

1707
01:03:18.444 --> 01:03:18.663
well,

1708
01:03:19.444 --> 01:03:19.866
I had a,

1709
01:03:19.944 --> 01:03:20.952
I had an epiphany one,

1710
01:03:21.108 --> 01:03:21.726
one day as I was,

1711
01:03:21.788 --> 01:03:22.952
as I was pondering on that.

1712
01:03:23.194 --> 01:03:23.991
How's that possible?

1713
01:03:24.351 --> 01:03:25.292
to not waver.

1714
01:03:26.073 --> 01:03:29.417
And I thought of Peter when he asked the Lord if he could walk on water,

1715
01:03:29.436 --> 01:03:32.901
because whose idea was it in the first place for Peter to walk on water?

1716
01:03:33.737 --> 01:03:34.643
It was Peter's idea.

1717
01:03:34.878 --> 01:03:35.839
He's the one that asked for it,

1718
01:03:35.862 --> 01:03:36.081
right?

1719
01:03:36.604 --> 01:03:36.847
Because

1720
01:03:37.222 --> 01:03:38.542
Christ is coming across the water.

1721
01:03:38.565 --> 01:03:39.065
And of course,

1722
01:03:39.104 --> 01:03:39.769
all the disciples,

1723
01:03:39.784 --> 01:03:40.362
they freak out.

1724
01:03:40.363 --> 01:03:41.581
They think he's a spirit or something.

1725
01:03:41.582 --> 01:03:42.753
They're all scared to death,

1726
01:03:42.987 --> 01:03:43.112
right?

1727
01:03:43.128 --> 01:03:43.362
They're like,

1728
01:03:43.363 --> 01:03:43.831
oh my gosh,

1729
01:03:43.847 --> 01:03:44.378
we're going to die.

1730
01:03:44.379 --> 01:03:45.472
And Christ calls out to him.

1731
01:03:45.473 --> 01:03:45.831
He says,

1732
01:03:45.987 --> 01:03:47.128
be of good cheer as I.

1733
01:03:48.269 --> 01:03:48.597
It's me.

1734
01:03:48.878 --> 01:03:49.315
You're fine.

1735
01:03:49.472 --> 01:03:49.753
And then

1736
01:03:50.300 --> 01:03:52.237
Peter, he says,

1737
01:03:52.581 --> 01:03:52.878
all right,

1738
01:03:53.206 --> 01:03:53.675
if it's you,

1739
01:03:54.039 --> 01:03:54.940
I want to walk on water.

1740
01:03:55.260 --> 01:03:56.521
Let me walk on water and come to you.

1741
01:03:56.541 --> 01:03:57.582
And Jesus stops.

1742
01:03:57.604 --> 01:03:57.902
He's like,

1743
01:03:58.225 --> 01:03:59.463
that is well within your power.

1744
01:03:59.783 --> 01:04:00.545
Go ahead and do it.

1745
01:04:00.928 --> 01:04:01.166
You know,

1746
01:04:01.205 --> 01:04:02.584
I don't even have to touch you or anything.

1747
01:04:02.928 --> 01:04:04.771
And so Peter actually steps out of the boat.

1748
01:04:04.951 --> 01:04:10.959
And that was how I think that's the only way that you can not waver is you actually act.

1749
01:04:11.068 --> 01:04:13.459
You actually do go do something.

1750
01:04:13.460 --> 01:04:14.959
You actually step out of the boat.

1751
01:04:15.303 --> 01:04:15.537
Right.

1752
01:04:15.834 --> 01:04:16.709
Because then again,

1753
01:04:17.147 --> 01:04:18.600
Peter starts to sink at some point.

1754
01:04:18.615 --> 01:04:20.271
And what was he doing when he started to sink?

1755
01:04:20.490 --> 01:04:21.271
He was looking away.

1756
01:04:21.272 --> 01:04:22.021
He was looking around.

1757
01:04:22.022 --> 01:04:23.006
He started to fear.

1758
01:04:23.555 --> 01:04:24.376
He started to fear.

1759
01:04:24.437 --> 01:04:27.339
It says that he saw the storm and he began to fear.

1760
01:04:27.378 --> 01:04:29.882
And when he began to fear or he began to doubt,

1761
01:04:30.222 --> 01:04:31.241
that's when he began to sink.

1762
01:04:31.546 --> 01:04:33.007
And then he calls out to the Lord,

1763
01:04:33.085 --> 01:04:33.241
says,

1764
01:04:33.288 --> 01:04:33.647
save me.

1765
01:04:33.648 --> 01:04:34.444
And the Lord grabs me.

1766
01:04:34.445 --> 01:04:35.710
And then the Lord says,

1767
01:04:35.866 --> 01:04:36.851
believe little faith.

1768
01:04:37.812 --> 01:04:38.929
And when we first read that,

1769
01:04:39.007 --> 01:04:41.366
I think if walking on water is a little faith,

1770
01:04:41.397 --> 01:04:42.319
then what is mine?

1771
01:04:42.710 --> 01:04:42.897
Yeah.

1772
01:04:43.132 --> 01:04:45.632
And as I ponder that one more,

1773
01:04:46.554 --> 01:04:47.694
I think that,

1774
01:04:48.054 --> 01:04:48.257
well,

1775
01:04:48.397 --> 01:04:51.819
I don't think he's saying that Peter has not very good faith.

1776
01:04:51.931 --> 01:04:53.452
I don't think he's saying that Peter has little faith.

1777
01:04:53.472 --> 01:04:55.314
I think he's saying in that moment when he was sinking,

1778
01:04:55.695 --> 01:04:57.177
look at the faith you just had.

1779
01:04:57.415 --> 01:04:59.177
Your faith got you to walk on water.

1780
01:05:00.079 --> 01:05:00.783
You did that.

1781
01:05:01.103 --> 01:05:05.908
And then you decided to stop believing that you could do that in the middle of literally doing it.

1782
01:05:06.204 --> 01:05:07.447
And because you stopped believing,

1783
01:05:07.448 --> 01:05:08.243
then it stopped working.

1784
01:05:08.431 --> 01:05:08.665
It's just,

1785
01:05:08.666 --> 01:05:08.790
oh,

1786
01:05:08.806 --> 01:05:09.493
you have little faith,

1787
01:05:09.509 --> 01:05:11.150
like compared to what you just did,

1788
01:05:11.509 --> 01:05:11.743
right?

1789
01:05:12.619 --> 01:05:13.509
Wherefore didst thou doubt?

1790
01:05:13.556 --> 01:05:14.400
Why did you doubt?

1791
01:05:14.712 --> 01:05:15.931
The doubting is what killed it.

1792
01:05:16.259 --> 01:05:21.259
And one of the coolest things that I learned that I was able to attach some of this to my...

1793
01:05:21.603 --> 01:05:29.491
career and what I learned was because I had to study thermodynamics and because I had to study electricity and magnetism a lot to understand how those worked.

1794
01:05:30.053 --> 01:05:33.452
I understand kind of the physics of what makes this world go around,

1795
01:05:33.717 --> 01:05:33.936
right?

1796
01:05:34.217 --> 01:05:36.678
And it operates through energy,

1797
01:05:36.780 --> 01:05:37.475
through vibration,

1798
01:05:37.545 --> 01:05:38.264
through stuff like that.

1799
01:05:38.265 --> 01:05:44.999
And I was able to make connections with that scripturally because as I started studying on some of this personal development stuff,

1800
01:05:45.171 --> 01:05:45.405
you know,

1801
01:05:45.406 --> 01:05:49.045
when I was having these conversations with these guys and writing the book and studying on those things.

1802
01:05:49.358 --> 01:05:49.827
I found a...

1803
01:05:50.807 --> 01:06:03.680
a whole bunch of studies done by an organization called the HeartMath Institute that would read the electromagnetic frequencies coming off of people and that your heart and your mind have completely distinct electromagnetic frequencies that come off of them.

1804
01:06:03.977 --> 01:06:09.399
And where this connects is they found that when people exhibited authenticity,

1805
01:06:09.821 --> 01:06:10.946
specifically authenticity,

1806
01:06:10.993 --> 01:06:11.930
but also gratitude,

1807
01:06:12.602 --> 01:06:15.993
then those electromagnetic frequencies coming off of people were super strong,

1808
01:06:16.149 --> 01:06:16.868
super stable.

1809
01:06:17.211 --> 01:06:19.493
But when people exhibited fear and doubt,

1810
01:06:19.836 --> 01:06:20.571
they were chaotic.

1811
01:06:20.663 --> 01:06:27.263
disproportionate and they actually interfered with other electromagnetic frequencies in the area and had destructive interference.

1812
01:06:27.544 --> 01:06:32.447
And so me understanding from my work that the way that we transmit energy,

1813
01:06:32.509 --> 01:06:34.189
the way that we attract things and repel things,

1814
01:06:34.190 --> 01:06:36.447
we move energy is through vibration,

1815
01:06:36.509 --> 01:06:37.212
through frequency.

1816
01:06:37.353 --> 01:06:38.400
That's how we do it.

1817
01:06:38.401 --> 01:06:43.884
That's how we capture heat energy in our house and we send it outside for air conditioning is through vibration at the molecular level.

1818
01:06:44.244 --> 01:06:46.353
And when I see some of these studies,

1819
01:06:46.665 --> 01:06:48.087
these are the belief systems.

1820
01:06:48.134 --> 01:06:50.228
These are the emotions when they're exhibiting.

1821
01:06:50.531 --> 01:06:51.132
these different,

1822
01:06:51.292 --> 01:06:52.733
I guess you could say vibrations,

1823
01:06:52.813 --> 01:06:52.973
right?

1824
01:06:53.313 --> 01:06:55.614
I connect that to that scripture in James,

1825
01:06:55.657 --> 01:06:56.118
where he says,

1826
01:06:56.438 --> 01:06:57.497
you can't waver.

1827
01:06:57.720 --> 01:06:58.919
You have to believe.

1828
01:06:59.302 --> 01:07:00.177
And what is belief,

1829
01:07:00.505 --> 01:07:04.106
but authentic gratitude for being able to do what you're about to do.

1830
01:07:04.661 --> 01:07:06.630
So when you actually believe,

1831
01:07:06.631 --> 01:07:07.864
when you're authentic with what you want,

1832
01:07:07.895 --> 01:07:09.192
you actually believe you can do it.

1833
01:07:09.193 --> 01:07:11.567
The only way you can not waver is to actually go do it.

1834
01:07:11.880 --> 01:07:13.973
And then when I'm talking to blue collar workers,

1835
01:07:14.020 --> 01:07:16.458
I'm teaching them what James is teaching people,

1836
01:07:16.520 --> 01:07:19.161
but I'm using a scientific lens to teach it.

1837
01:07:19.563 --> 01:07:20.864
This is what's happening with people,

1838
01:07:21.045 --> 01:07:21.225
right?

1839
01:07:21.244 --> 01:07:24.588
And you guys understand in thermodynamics that this is how it works.

1840
01:07:24.589 --> 01:07:30.236
And so I'm just taking a completely different angle to teach them how to have faith and to act in faith,

1841
01:07:31.611 --> 01:07:33.213
but from a scientific perspective.

1842
01:07:33.580 --> 01:07:33.838
Nice.

1843
01:07:34.057 --> 01:07:34.299
Yeah.

1844
01:07:34.401 --> 01:07:42.541
And it was only because of those experiences I had in my life that threw me into a situation where I had to learn all these things,

1845
01:07:43.166 --> 01:07:48.635
that all this kind of comes together into who I am now and what I do now and how I can help.

1846
01:07:48.959 --> 01:07:50.120
other people and how

1847
01:07:50.481 --> 01:07:55.886
God's given me a unique ability to help other people learn how to create the life that they want to live,

1848
01:07:56.007 --> 01:07:57.386
even if they don't believe in God.

1849
01:07:57.870 --> 01:07:58.909
And that's what I think is amazing,

1850
01:07:58.910 --> 01:08:00.667
that he wants us to be able to do that,

1851
01:08:00.972 --> 01:08:02.050
even if we don't believe in him.

1852
01:08:02.409 --> 01:08:03.573
He's still interested in us.

1853
01:08:04.355 --> 01:08:05.698
I have learned so much from you.

1854
01:08:08.261 --> 01:08:09.917
You're a very positive person.

1855
01:08:10.136 --> 01:08:16.605
And I love that you are trying to lead the next generation of men to stand firm in faith,

1856
01:08:16.886 --> 01:08:17.761
even if they don't.

1857
01:08:18.039 --> 01:08:20.186
believe in the same God that you do.

1858
01:08:20.486 --> 01:08:21.832
It's very inspirational.

1859
01:08:21.932 --> 01:08:24.900
It's going to be a blessing to my audience.

1860
01:08:25.908 --> 01:08:28.770
And if anyone wants to read your book,

1861
01:08:29.012 --> 01:08:29.993
where can they get it?

1862
01:08:30.192 --> 01:08:31.172
You go to my website,

1863
01:08:31.215 --> 01:08:33.516
westinbrandon.com slash the book.

1864
01:08:34.332 --> 01:08:34.496
Well,

1865
01:08:34.497 --> 01:08:35.356
thank you again,

1866
01:08:35.457 --> 01:08:35.856
Weston,

1867
01:08:35.918 --> 01:08:38.223
for coming on and sharing with me today.

1868
01:08:38.864 --> 01:08:39.543
This has been fun.

1869
01:08:39.582 --> 01:08:40.223
I appreciate it.

1870
01:08:40.942 --> 01:08:43.645
If you were encouraged by Weston's story today,

1871
01:08:43.879 --> 01:08:44.801
like I was,

1872
01:08:45.067 --> 01:08:49.426
leave a comment below and share that information so I can share it with him.

1873
01:08:49.786 --> 01:08:52.676
Who doesn't love to hear that their story,

1874
01:08:52.989 --> 01:08:55.629
their life has impacted somebody?

1875
01:08:55.820 --> 01:08:59.664
else in such a way that it moved them to change.

1876
01:09:00.545 --> 01:09:05.810
I know that Weston would be encouraged to hear this and I would definitely be encouraged as well.

1877
01:09:06.146 --> 01:09:08.412
So tell me what you thought of the episode.

1878
01:09:08.576 --> 01:09:10.232
I look forward to hearing from you.

1879
01:09:10.654 --> 01:09:12.959
Thank you again for tuning in today.

1880
01:09:13.693 --> 01:09:15.599
I look forward to our next conversation.