Stop Saying "I'm Fine"

~ TRIBUTE TO MASCULINITY EPISODE (WEEK 1)~

Parental divorce leaves lasting impressions on children that often extend well into adulthood, creating patterns and struggles many don't recognize as directly connected to their childhood experiences. In a recent conversation with Kent Darcie, founder of a ministry specifically serving adults with divorced parents, we explored this often-overlooked demographic and its unique challenges.

Kent's personal story begins with his parents' divorce when he was 13, followed by a pattern that would repeat through generations - his father was also a child of divorce, as was his grandfather, creating what Kent calls "the cycle of divorce." While Kent initially denied any lasting effects from his parents' split, a powerful wake-up call came during a marriage retreat when God revealed he was heading down the same emotional path as his father. This revelation led Kent to extensive research and eventually founding a ministry dedicated to helping adults identify and overcome the often invisible impact of parental divorce.

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WHAT'S DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE?

• The effects of childhood divorce manifest in multiple ways during adulthood. Anger emerges as the primary issue, often stemming from unresolved feelings of loss, blame, and dramatic shifts beyond a child's control. This anger frequently carries into adult relationships without the person recognizing its source. Fear presents another significant challenge - fear of abandonment, conflict, inadequacy, and ultimately, fear of repeating the pattern through divorce. Many adults with divorced parents live what Kent describes as a "four to seven life" on a ten-point scale, avoiding extreme highs (anticipating disappointment) and extreme lows (fearing emotional collapse).
• Trust issues represent another critical struggle. Children develop unwritten rules about parents always being together and providing safety and security. When divorce shatters these expectations, the ability to trust often becomes damaged. Adults then approach relationships with caution, frequently "poking with a stick" to test trustworthiness until partners eventually tire of the testing, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of relationship failure. Perhaps most profoundly, parental divorce can distort one's view of God. Kent poignantly asks, "If you can't trust the two people you can see, who are most important to you, how do you trust a God you can't see?"

• The conversation also explored "father hunger" - the impact of missing a father figure, which affects men and women differently. Women often search for answers to questions about their beauty and unique place in a father's heart, sometimes seeking these answers in unhealthy relationships when paternal affirmation is missing. Men struggle with questions about masculinity and their capacity to be men when male role models are absent or inconsistent.
• "Gray divorce" - parents splitting after their children are grown - represents a rapidly growing trend with unique complications. Adults dealing with parents' late-life divorce often receive little support, with others dismissing their pain ("You're an adult, what's the big deal?"). They face boundary violations as parents overshare inappropriate details and experience profound doubt about marriage stability ("If they couldn't make it after all these years, how will I?").

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FINAL THOUGHTS

The good news is that healing is possible. Kent emphasizes the importance of awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and applying biblical truth to these wounds. His ministry provides resources through books, podcasts, and workshops that address these specific challenges. For those recognizing themselves in this conversation, Hope4ADP.com offers a starting point for the healing journey.

Ultimately, Kent's message speaks to anyone carrying the weight of their parents' divorce - you are not alone, your struggles have identifiable roots, and through Christ, healing and breaking generational patterns is possible.