Why do I keep repeating the behaviors I hate?
Why do I promise myself: “This is the last time”…only to find myself right back in the same cycle days later?
I know that cycle well, and I hate it too.
When I wrestle with these questions, Romans 7:15-20 often comes to mind. Maybe you are familiar with it.
I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.
You may have read that verse and felt a little like you were reading a Dr. Seuss book. I get it, it seems repetitive and maybe a little long-winded, but the message seems clear to me.
Did you catch it?
The sin nature is what keeps us on a perpetual hamster wheel of sinful behavior.
Don’t let this discourage you, though.
Today, I hope to start you on a journey toward freedom from the burden of guilt and shame that comes from patterns of repeated sin.
I’m Ana Murby, and this is Honest Christian Conversations, minisode edition. I’m all too familiar with unhealthy behavior patterns, being a former porn addict for 17 years. During my sobriety journey, I learned a lot about myself and what makes me tick, and I hope today I can help you uncover some things about yourself that will change the trajectory of your life, as mine did.
Let’s get to it.
Here is an example of the vicious cycle of addiction:
trigger → behavior → shame → repeat
Does this cycle seem to be relevant to your struggle?
I resonate with it, not just with my former porn addiction, but all other addictive behaviors I have or once had.
Take a moment and list out three behaviors you repeat and how they make you feel.
Do you find yourself in the cycle above?
If so, stay here and let’s walk through together how to overcome the flesh.
Overcoming triggers:
The 17 years I was stuck in porn addiction were the darkest and most miserable years of my life. I was constantly full of guilt, shame, hypocrisy, and self-loathing.
I have been blessed to share my story on many podcasts, and one question they usually ask me is, “What were your triggers?”
This is a fun, humbling, and eye-opening question that any addict, or former addict, should answer honestly.
These were mine:
Negative emotions (mostly anger)
Insecurity
A temporary emotional escape from negative emotions or a lack of intimacy with my spouse
Curiosity
List out some of your own triggers.
Do you see a pattern emerging between both our lists?
They are, on the surface, self-centered drives.
Now, if you are like me, you just heard me say, “You are selfish.”
That is not at all what I am saying, so please don’t hear that lie.
What I am saying is that our desires may stem from trauma, unmet needs, or life experiences that train us to look inward for relief.
Triggers remind us that we are human with needs, and they make us feel that if those needs aren’t met, we will never be okay until we fulfill what the trigger craves.
But we will be okay.
It takes time, energy, and daily surrender to stop the cravings.
It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it when you can finally overcome your urges, rather than them overcoming you.
Stay with me as I walk you through how to spot addictive behaviors and what to do about them.
Overcoming Behaviors:
The triggers I mentioned earlier always brought me to pornography for “relief” from my life.
What do your triggers always draw you back to, whether you like it or not?
Behavior patterns are a funny thing.
What do kids do once they find a movie, song, or book they love?
They replay it over and over until you’re ready to scream. Or is that just my children?
The truth is that it’s not just kids who get this way. Adults aren’t that different, are we?
Think of a song you love and try to count how many times you’ve listened to it.
Tell me what your favorite movie is and how many times you’ve seen it.
Pride and Prejudice (the Keira Knightley version) is mine.
I lost track of how many times I have seen it.
If you hate small talk, you will love the awkwardness of this clip from my favorite scene.
The patterns we repeat may seem harmless, but what we repeatedly consume shapes our worldview, habits, and desires over time.
Not all bad behaviors look nefarious, either.
On its surface, working out and eating healthy aren’t bad, until it becomes your all-consuming goal in life.
Even doing Christian things could become a sinful habit.
Don’t believe me?
Why are you serving at church? For Validation? To occupy your time? Church obligation?
Why do you do every bible study you can? To seem overly spiritual? To catch a feeling? Because you think it will get you to heaven?
Your motives matter: if they stop being about God and become about self, even these wholesome endeavors can become driven by sinful motives.
Check your motives every day to see whether they are positive or negative.
Overcoming Guilt and Shame:
This one is hard.
I won’t lie.
Guilt and shame are Satan’s greatest tools to keep you in bondage to your repeated sin.
This is where you need to know who you are in Christ.
If you call yourself a Christian, then you are a child of God.
That should be a big boost in your ability to overcome guilt and shame for repeatedly sinning because you know that your Heavenly Father, even if he has to discipline you, still loves you unconditionally.
If you aren’t a believer or you have fallen away from the faith, this step won’t be as easy to achieve, because lasting transformation is found only in Christ.
Surrendering to Him will be a big step in walking a path of true overcoming.
I encourage you to take a look at all the passages in the bible where God talks about how he loves you.
Find the verses that talk about being a child of God and what power comes with that.
Here is a truth that I hope will set you free from your prison of guilt and shame for repeated sins:
God sent Jesus to die on the cross for your sins.
All of them.
Even the repeated ones.
Because Jesus obeyed that call and rose from the grave, you now have access to God through Christ.
Which means, when you struggle again and again, you can rest assured that when you ask for forgiveness and repent, you will be forgiven if you are His child.
You don’t need to clean up your act to come to Christ; you need to believe and then allow the Holy Spirit to change you through time.
It could be a short time or a longer one, but you will see a change.
The temptation to sin will always be there, as Paul wrote in our opening verse; it’s our sinful nature warring inside us. But in Christ, you have the power to overcome.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)
Overcoming the Repeat:
Now that you understand your triggers, what behaviors they draw you to, and how to combat guilt and shame, let’s learn how to stop the repeat cycle of these bad behaviors.
Too bad there isn’t a button to click to turn off the repeat, like there is on your favorite music app, am I right?
This step will take intentionality and determination.
Overcoming patterns and habits you’ve lived in for years won’t be a walk in the park. Well, maybe a walk through Jurassic Park. Yes, I know that was cheesy.
It will be tough and irritating, and it might even make you cry.
That’s okay, let it out to God, share your frustrations with him.
He loves you, and he wants to help you become free more than anyone else.
Take it a day and behavior at a time.
It’s a slow process, not a sprint.
Before I end this, if you need more help on this journey to making healthier habits, I created the Retrain Your Brain series.
It was birthed out of my desire to see people stuck in addictive patterns set free from them, using God’s word as our ultimate source of overcoming.
I encourage you to walk through the 12-week Retrain Your Brain series at your own pace.
Thank you for joining me today. If something in this article encouraged or challenged you, I would love to hear from you.